2019, Please Be Kind

Here's a snapshot of Me before this year: extremely extroverted, very good at meeting new people and making friends, never home because I was always out seeking a crowd and new adventures, and taking those who were shy or broken under my wing - because I've notoriously been the stable one. The fixer. The ever-smiling friend you could turn to when you were falling apart.






Tonight I sat and scrolled through my phone, looking at all my pictures from the last year or so and trying to remember when the last time I felt truly happy and carefree was, and I think this trip was it. These photos are both from a trip to Mexico that I took in the summer of 2017. I had no pressing concerns weighing heavily in the back of my mind, no things to constantly stress, worry, and obsess over, and I got to spend 8 days just soaking up the sun, playing, spending time with family, and eating (yes I love food that much), and I felt so free, optimistic, and excited about what life would bring me next. Also, look how tan I was! -->

... But then 2018 happened, and my world crashed down around me. 2018 was the hardest year of my life. 2018 broke me to a point that I've never been broken before. 2018 taught me what it is like to feel desperately alone... And not because I don't have an amazing support system, but because I isolated myself. 2018 showed me those raw, and painful emotions that I've never experienced before. I learned what it is to feel heartbroken. I had two extremely painful ends to relationships I had high hopes for, and I learned what it feels like to start questioning every relationship, and failing to make new, meaningful ones because you're afraid to trust again for fear of that person leaving, and you feeling let down yet again. This year taught me how to cry until I couldn't breathe, and all the tears were gone. 2018 took my extroverted nature from me, and replaced it with anxiety... The kind where I locked myself in my room for days at a time (summer break was painful), avoided all humans - even my roommates, and only came out when I needed food. The kind where I didn't go to events with more than 5 people or so, and if a friend wanted to see me, they had to come to me, because showering, getting dressed, and going out was more than I could handle some days. Most days, actually. 2018 filled me with dread over new experiences and the unknown. Then school started and I was busy again, and I was ok for a couple months because I was distracted. But then the anxiety reared its ugly head again. There was a lot of uncertainty in my life at this time, mostly work-related, and this also introduced me to something new: the chest-tightening, struggling to breathe, help-what-is-happening-to-me panic attack that I had in my dark classroom one day while my students were at recess. I have a whole new understanding and respect for people who have struggled with anxiety and/or depression for long stretches of time, because it. is. crippling. Please, please, please reach out to me if you are ever feeling alone and need a reminder of your worth.

All that being said - this past Sunday as I was reflecting on my new year resolutions, I knew that I needed to focus on healing, and learning to be Me again. I needed to reconnect with the me that smiles and means it, instead of smiles and hopes my life will catch up. But I needed to figure out how to get back to that, because I haven't seen that girl in a while. I started by searching the word "change" in my Gospel Library app, and it brought me to a talk called "Now Is the Time" by Elder Jack N Gerrard, and it really resonated with me. I highly suggest reading it if you are looking for motivation to make some changes in your life. This talk is all about perfecting yourself now instead of waiting until the moment is ideal, or certain things are in place. Here are a few of my favorite statements from the talk:

In the beginning, Elder Gerrard told a story of a man who was going into a risky surgery, and his doctor told him: "If there is anything in your life you need to consider, now is the time." Later Elder Gerrard encouraged everyone “to do a thorough life assessment with the Lord … to ensure that your feet are firmly planted on the covenant path.” I think everyone can do their own small part to strengthen their relationship with the Lord, and I am going to make a concentrated effort on this in 2019, because I firmly believe that's where my healing will start.

Later on he says that "We live in a world of information overload, dominated by ever-increasing distractions that make it more and more difficult to sort through the commotion of this life and focus on things of eternal worth. Our daily lives are bombarded with attention-grabbing headlines, served up by rapidly changing technologies. Unless we take the time to reflect, we may not realize the impact of this fast-paced environment on our daily lives and the choices we make. We may find our lives consumed with bursts of information packaged in memes, videos, and glaring headlines. Although interesting and entertaining, most of these have little to do with our eternal progress, and yet they shape the way we view our mortal experience."

I think I am guilty of this. I live such a fast-paced life that I exhaust myself with all the to-do's, and don't make time for the little things. I am good at attending church, and all my meetings, and I never miss an institute class. I am a highly duty-bound person, so I fulfill my callings to the max. However, I am not good at the personal, spiritual development side of religion. I am guilty of making too many goals, or too ambitious of goals, then getting overwhelmed, giving up, and thinking that I'll try again later. But last time I did that I never tried again later. I let the hardships of this past year and a half shake my faith. I grew bitter, and angry, and sad. And I think it's because I didn't hold on to my relationship with Christ, and trust in Him to make everything ok again. I wallowed in self-pity instead. So this year I am sticking to the basics. My goals for 2019 are those simple, yet highly effective methods of strengthening one's faith that I have neglected lately. I am going to read my scriptures daily, pray more regularly, and attend the temple at least once a month. My roommate and I made a goal tonight to read the New Testament before the school year is over, since neither of us have read it all the way through before, and I'm excited to learn from it.

Now, before I wrap things up... Between all the heartache, sadness, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that 2018 brought me, there were a few good moments. I went on a cruise and visited 3 countries, 2 of which were new to me, I met some new people despite my hermit ways, I taught piano, I have now had half a school year with my favorite class ever (and seriously, this is a tender mercy because I was at my breaking point with teaching), my high school bestie flew up to visit and I got to spend a couple days with her for the first time in over 8 years, I played and played and played with my sweet nieces, I gained a brother-in-law, and I learned to be ok spending time alone.

These are the moments that I felt the happiest, and the most Me this year, and I think I see a theme in them. Those moments that I am most focused on my faith, family, friends, and myself are the ones that bring me peace. I need to simplify, focus on the things that matter most, and disconnect from those that don't bring importance or joy into my life. It's time to start forming more personal relationships, and give myself to God again. That will be the recipe to true happiness. :)

I swear I have other family besides my nieces. I guess I don't take as many pictures with them!

In closing, here's a scripture.

"In me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). This scripture is a good reminder that God is love. I know He yearns for my happiness as much as I do. I just have to do my part to draw nearer to Him so he can lift me up. I know that in Christ there is peace. I have a testimony that prayer, scriptures, and temple attendance are the means to find that peace. Thank you to those of you who checked in and kept me sane this year. Much love to you. May 2019 bring peace and joy!
❤, Meagan

Reflections on the Atonement

Tonight in institute we listened to part of a talk by Elder Oaks, and in it he spoke of the atonement and just how far-reaching it is. I think we often forget everything that the atonement entails. Typically when I think of the atonement I think about the fact that Christ experienced my sins. He suffered for them so that I wouldn't have to. As a result, I can fully repent and make my way back to my Heavenly Father. While that is true, appreciated, and impressive in and of itself, I think we tend to forget that the atonement covers more than just sins. The atonement covers EVERY negative feeling, EVERY negative experience that we will have in mortality. Christ genuinely felt our anguish - not just over sins committed, but he also felt our anxiety, our depression, our stress, our doubt and insecurities, our longings, and our loneliness.

This is why Christ had to be half human, so that he could feel  all of these human emotions so deeply. The half God part is manifested in His surviving all of those feelings simultaneously. I am so truly grateful for the opportunity that I have to belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I love this Gospel. I would be lost without it. I love the knowledge that it gives me of right and wrong, and I am continuously so grateful to know that when I am faced with trials, I am not expected to overcome them by myself. I do not have to do hard things alone. Christ loves each one of us unconditionally, and will always reach out to pull us through the hardest moments of our lives. To whoever is reading: please, always remember this and know that you are loved more than you know. And you can do hard things.
❤, Meagan

I Am Stronger Than I Thought

I honestly think that this past month has been the hardest of my life. I have been busier than ever before. I moved out of my parents' house into what ended up being a bad situation that I couldn't stay in, then moved back in during the first week of school while getting used to being at a new school, getting to know my students, learning new routines, and getting my feet off the ground. There were deadlines that I was struggling to meet, and circumstances outside of my control were preventing me from doing that. A few relationships in my life felt like they were crumbling, and I didn't know how to save them. I was stressed not only with work, but with my calling, and honestly, just life in general. I felt like everything was falling apart. Nothing seemed to be going right, and just when I thought the trial that I was enduring was the last one that I could possibly handle, another one would come along, and I would be that much more overwhelmed. Trial after trial stacked up and I shouldered them all, feeling like any moment I should just topple over and admit defeat.

Hardly anyone, regardless of how close they are to me, will ever see me cry. I do not like feeling like I am not in complete control of myself and my emotions, so I tend to stifle them. However, when life throws as many curveballs at you as it did me these last few weeks, it is just not possible to pretend that you're not hurting. Those close friends of mine that normally lean on me got to be on the receiving end of phone calls where they picked up, and I was immediately a blubbering mess. It was alarming for me to be this emotional. I went through a week where I had an emotional meltdown accompanied by hysterical sobbing every single day. On one such day, I called my friend and I told her that I have never been the "crying friend." I didn't know how to ask for comfort instead of give it, and it had been causing me tons of stress and anguish.

My typical role in life is the steady friend. I have always been the one that doesn't get emotional; that person that is known for always being chipper and smiling, and able to brighten someone else's day. I have always loved that I could be that support for people, but I have not felt like that person this last little while. In fact, it was exhausting to try to be her. As a result, I have recently learned that when people ask how you are doing it is ok to admit that you are struggling. It is ok to unload, and to ask for advice, and even (heaven forbid!) to cry sometimes. Those are not things that I have been willing to do before, but I learned.

Another friend was asking me a week or so ago why life can be so hard when you are trying so hard yourself. He was frustrated because he felt like he was doing everything right, and everything was still falling apart around him. He felt anxiety over his calling, over his family, over his job, and also over other relationships in his life. I knew exactly what he was going through. It seemed to parallel my own life perfectly. I told him that I think that life is the hardest when you are the toughest. God knows what you can handle, and He would never overload you. Then I realized how wise I sounded, and that up until then I probably wouldn't have believed those words from someone else. I needed to apply my counsel in my own life. Then, I realized that it was all going to be ok. I could get through this.

This has been the lock screen on my phone for a month or so now.
You are strong enough!

I think that Heavenly Father waits to give you the hardest trials until you are doing what you are supposed to and giving extra time to the Church. That way you will have the spiritual strength to handle what is being thrown at you, because if you weren't so strong in the Church at that moment then how on Earth would you handle it all?

Now, I'm not telling you all this so that you can feel bad for me. I don't want pity. I pretty much just want to vent, and then share what I've learned while going through it all. So here goes: I have learned that it is just as important to support others as it is to ask for others' help. You need to let others in. Share not only happy moments with them, but difficult ones as well. Don't be afraid to give others that chance to be the strong one, and to help you out when you are hurting. I've realized that our challenges can be as much for those around us as they are for us sometimes. I have also learned that God is there. I knew this before, but it was reaffirmed to me so many times throughout these trials. He loves us immensely - more than we will ever understand. He knows exactly what we are going through, because he suffered for our pains and anguish already, through the atonement. His suffering wasn't just for our sins. It was to cover all the pain we would experience in this life, including emotional pains. He knows perfectly what we are going through, because he has experienced it and He is there to help us get through it. He just wants us to remember to ask Him for help. I have learned that sometimes I have to admit that even I can't do everything by myself, as much as I want to be able to.

After all these lessons, the biggest take-away that I found in all of this is that, as I mentioned above, God only gives us what He knows we can handle. So while I may feel broken, I'm not. I'm really just stronger than I thought I was.

Happy Sunday. :)
❤, Meagan

A Small Bit of Perfection

I've kind of been in a funk the last few days. Life hasn't gone as planned, and I've had things I've wanted to work on, and felt like I just kept falling short of where I wanted to be.

But... I met with my bishop yesterday for tithing settlement, and after I told him that I am a full tithe-payer, he told me that I should take a moment to be proud of myself. He looked right at me and said "Even if there are other things you are struggling with, or want to work on... Take comfort in the fact that in this one thing you are perfect." That was such a pick-me-up! I had never thought about it that way before, and it really helped me to see that as a whole, I am far from perfect, but I do have small bits of perfection mixed in.

I think we all have a tendency to pick out the things we don't like about ourselves, and focus on our downfalls. We get so caught up in the things that we are not good at that we forget to notice and celebrate the things about us that are "perfect". Maybe I'll make that a New Year's resolution - to try and notice more good things about myself. I think life would be a little happier.

I love you all! Don't forget to notice those things that are perfect about you. And if you are having a hard time figuring out what they are, ask someone. I would be glad to provide a quick ego boost to anyone who needs it. :)
♥, Meagan

Small Moments

I know you are all dying to hear about my internship. Or maybe not, but regardless... I just haven't had time to report much. Here's a little peek at my last minute preparation for it, even if it was mostly just mental prep.

On Wednesday my school was closed, because it was a holiday (Pioneer Day) and school was starting the next day, so it was pretty much do or die at that point. I had to go to Provo to grab some mail since the school district keeps sending it to Provo instead of South Jordan no matter how many times I remind them that I don't live in Provo. After getting my mail, I had time to catch up with friends and roommates, and enlist help in cutting out lamination (yeah, more! It never ends.)  I decided to leave for home earlier than I normally would have had school not been starting the next day. (Eep!) I was a little bit in freak-out mode, as every mile got me closer to home and bed, and school starting the next day! But then, amidst all the driving and psyching myself out I looked out the window and  I saw the prettiest clouds! They looked something like this:

It was then I realized that there is beauty all around me, and I need to take the time to stop and enjoy it... Especially when I feel like I don't have time to. I don't want to get so stressed that all I see is negative. I want to remember to notice the small, simple and beautiful things in my life.

I absolutely love it when the sky looks like this. It makes me feel like I am looking straight at Heaven. This moment just reminded me that yes, this internship is scary and intensely overwhelming, but I am not alone. I have a loving Heavenly Father that will be right there for me every step of the way. When I feel like I'm drowning, and I just can't do it all I know that He will provide the motivation and the means for me to accomplish all things. It was a great moment for me, and it gave me such an immense feeling of peace! From that moment I felt like I could handle things. Even as I woke up and prepared for that first morning, and as the parents/kids started filing in, I was able to calmly greet them and present a well put together front. This peace has carried me through these first 2 days, and I am so thankful for that! I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity and the knowledge that I am doing what I am meant to be, and also for the knowledge that I CAN DO HARD THINGS and in turn, accomplish GREAT things. :)

Here's to an undoubtedly fantastic year!

♥, Meagan

Perfection vs. Perfectionism

This week in institute we were talking about self-esteem and why it is so important in our lives and our relationships. One boy mentioned that there is a difference between being a perfectionist and striving for perfection. At first thought I didn't see it, but as he explained: You do not have to be perfect. Do not beat yourself up or go into bouts of self-loathing every time you make a mistake. IT'S OK TO MESS UP! Christ doesn't expect us to be perfect, so we shouldn't either. What is expected is that we strive for eventual perfection, and keep moving towards it. The most important thing is the happiness that we find along the way. As cheesy as that sounds - we really are meant to be happy. This life is all about finding our place in the world, finding what and who we love, and making the best of every situation.

On a related note, I found this quote and I like it: 

"Perfection means not perfect actions in a perfect world, but appropriate actions in an imperfect one."

As I have given this concept more thought this week, and simultaneously realized that my first day of school is 3 weeks from yesterday (eek!), I have realized that this internship is going to be the most intensely difficult (duh), but also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It will be hard. I will struggle, I will encounter some failures, and there will probably be plenty of tears. This is going to be tough on my perfectionist nature. But... I am confident that there will be moments of greatness. I will triumph, I will laugh, I will love each of my little kiddos, and I will know that I am making a difference. It would be completely unrealistic to expect or even try for a perfect experience. So instead I will just do my best and love every minute of it! :)

❤, Meagan

'Cause You're Amazing, Just the Way You Are!

I saw this video the other day, and I absolutely loved it.  It has such a good message! If you haven't seen it yet you should definitely take a few minutes to watch it.

I think it is so sad that we women see ourselves this way. I think it is true that women are especially prone to negative images of ourselves, but I think that men can also can be their own worst critics. This video specifically talks about beauty, which I think is a very sensitive subject for some individuals. However, I think we are overly critical of ourselves in pretty much every aspect of our lives. We may not be as talented of cooks or singers or athletes as we wish. Maybe we are having a bad hair day, or our face is breaking out. Whatever it is... It does not define you. We've all heard that "God doesn't make mistakes." I sincerely believe that. You are how He intended you to be. :) Rejoice in that. 

I think it is time that we all wake up to how wonderful we really are. And preferably do it in time for finals.

Happy first day of finals, everyone! You've got this. :)

❤, Meagan

You are Not Horrible People

Today someone got up during testimony meeting in church and prefaced his testimony with "You are not horrible people." This kind of took me off guard, but then he reminded us that we all make mistakes and that we all sin. We are not a perfect people, and God loves us regardless. Quite frankly... We are probably doing better than we think we are. We are our own worst critics, after all.

I sincerely believe that this life is not a time to dwell on our imperfections. At least not in an unhealthy way.  In all honesty, complete perfection is impossible for us. I don't mean to sound like a Debby Downer, because I do have a hopeful perspective on this. To me, the point of this life is not complete perfection, it is in striving for perfection. But if we work hard and stick to our beliefs, making every effort to draw nearer to Christ, then we will be able to exhibit our best selves and show Him that we are indeed trying, and we are worthy to inherit all that He has. So there you have it. Whatever you are struggling with, whatever imperfections stare you in the mirror, whatever habit you are just unable to break... It does not make you a horrible person. I think we can all use this reminder at times. God knows you personally, and He loves you and recognizes your efforts. Take comfort in that.

Happy Sunday, everybody! :)
❤, Meagan

. . . And I'm a Mormon :)

Life has really taken a turn for the better lately. Let me just tell you why. Yesterday I spent 13 hours on campus between classes, a group project and individual homework. Ridiculous, right? But... I can honestly say that I feel happier and less stressed than I have in weeks. These last few weeks I've sort of been in a funk. I have been so stressed and exhausted, and while I am still exhausted (like always) I have realized that the more productive I am in schoolwork and the rest of my life, and the more I do for others, the happier I am.

Less than 2 short days ago I posted on here about how I am going to start being brave and living my religion more publicly. That very night at ward prayer they announced that Family Home Evening the next day was going to be making Mormon.org profiles. This is something that would normally terrify me. (It still does, that's why it took me so long to make one.) I could have claimed that the 13 hours I spent on campus yesterday wiped me out and I was simply too exhausted to go on, but... In light of my new resolution I decided to just go for it. You can now see where I came from, what I stand for and exactly what I believe publicly, right here!

Happy reading. :)
❤, Meagan

Words to Live By

"Never let your faith be difficult to detect."
- President J. Reuben Clark Jr.

I was reading an article the other day, and this quote really jumped out at me. It made me wonder... Is MY faith difficult to detect? Or can people look at me and know what I stand for? Am I making the right choices to be an accurate example of a follower of Christ?

I know from experience that putting yourself out there and letting people see where you really come from can make you feel super vulnerable. I have never been one to hold up well when my faith is questioned. I have never been entirely comfortable talking to people of another faith and answering questions about my own, whether cynical or not. But I am trying now to step outside of my comfort zone and invite these conversations rather than shy away from them. I realize that it is high time to break out of my shell. I need to let people see me for me, and and a big, albeit scary part of that, is letting them see my faith.

I know that fear will not get me anywhere in this life. This is a revelation I seem to be coming to repeatedly lately.

On this topic, Elder Russel M. Nelson said in the 2011 April conference that "We do not need to let our fears displace our faith. We can combat those fears by strengthening our faith." And I plan to do just that.
I will be brave.
I will be "bold but not overbearing."
I will be an example of the believers! :)

...Wish me luck.
❤, Meagan

I Believe in God... Am I Unintelligent?

Today I had someone question my intelligence because I believe in God. According to them, the mark of true intelligence is in not confusing "fact" with "fiction". This honestly made me quite angry. I do not understand how someone can think me less intelligent for believing in a higher power and belonging to an organized religion. Personally, I think religion says a lot about a person's character, but not necessarily anything about their intelligence. In my opinion intelligence is seen in one's responsibility, formal schooling, and ability to make important life decisions.

Rather than a lack of intelligence, I think the fact that I believe in God shows that I am capable of having hope. I have strength enough to believe in the unseen forces at play in my life, and I am informed of what comes after this life. I do not see what portion of that makes me less intelligent than anyone else. My faith in God is not due to lack of information, but rather studying and seeking to find out for myself. As you all may remember from a previous post, it was only through diligence and hard work that I was able to come to this belief in the first place. If anything, I believe that I am more informed about life than those that don't believe in God or His works. Regardless of these feelings of mine, I do not think that it is ever acceptable to personally attack another person for something as personal as their religion.

I don't mean to rant and rave; I guess all I am trying to say is that people are different, and that is respectable. Intelligence does not lie in one's ability to believe that there is something bigger out there. If my friend is an Atheist I won't look down on them or think them stupid, I will love and respect them for their beliefs. I would love it if others could do the same for me.
❤, Meagan

My Path to Truth. :)

I don't know if I'll publicly post this or not, or if anyone will even want to read it if I do. (Obviously I did, but this was written about a month and a half ago.)

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've been wanting to journal about this ever since I was told months ago in Sunday School that I should. The teacher suggested that we journal about when we said "yes" to God. I thought that was a very interesting way of putting things, and it got me thinking... When did I decide what I truly believed? When did I come into myself and sort out my inner feelings on life and religion?

I always claimed to believe in the church and all of its teachings. I had a few very close friends in high school who, at the time, did not believe in a higher power of any sort. Life was the here and now, so why try to get all philosophical about it... right? Often, they would try to get me to talk about my point of view, but sometimes they would be critical, and I didn't always feel as if they supported me in it, so I generally shyed away from any religious discussions. I was Mormon in a small town where that wasn't necessarily the cool thing to be, and everybody knew you for it. I was a good Mormon though. I followed the church, and did everything that I should to live parallel to the teachings of the church. I knew that the public eye was on me, and I wanted to prove to people that I knew what I was doing, and that I could be true to it, even while I was struggling internally.

It was very hard for me to decide for myself whether or not I truly believed in this Gospel. I know that I have always grown up being told that it is true, and that I truly did love the values instilled by this church. However, it was sometimes hard for me to know that there was a higher power; that there was a God who was watching over me, and extending His love unconditionally. I wanted to believe so badly, and I went to church faithfully every week hoping that someday I would just magically have that rock-solid testimony that I'd always wanted.

I had heard, growing up, that it is ok to lean on someone else's testimony until you have one of your own. My inspiration in this regard was always my older sister, Amanda. She has always had such a sweet spirit about her, and was always true to what she believed. She always prodded me to do the right thing and was just an amazing example of living a good life. However, I feared that I would never have a testimony of my own; that I would never be able to get up in church and say with 100% certainty that "I know this church is true."

I think that I started to sort out my own beliefs when I turned 18 and moved away from home. I needed to get out on my own (sort of- I was living in an apartment with Amanda and 2 other roommates). However, I was away from the pressures of any of my previous friends, and those of trying to lead a particular life because that's what was expected of me. It was a fresh start, and I was surrounded by people who had the same values, and belonged to the same church as me. It was exciting to be around people that I had so much in common with, but I quickly realized that it also made me feel inferior spiritually. These people knew who they were, what they believed, and what they wanted out of life. I had no idea. I wanted to be just like them; I wanted to know these things for myself. Over the course of the year, I went to church every single Sunday and participated in each and every side activity. I still struggled, but I felt like more a part of the church than I ever had before, and I was definitely making more of an effort to belong.

One thing that I have come to realize - for me at least, is that truth comes with knowledge. My sophomore year at BYU I was called as a Gospel Doctrine teacher, and this calling scared me to death. Who was I to teach others about the Gospel? You know... that one thing I have struggled my whole life to fully commit myself to? I was terrified of being a hypocrite, and this was a time-consuming calling. I was so nervous at first. However, through the course of the year I feel like I got a lot better at it. Lessons did not take me as long to prepare, and my voice didn't shake when I talked in front of a room full of people. I felt like I was contributing. I was an integral part of the ward, and I was actually important. This calling helped me to grow immensely, and I learned so much about this Gospel. I learned more through studying and teaching than I ever did through just plain listening. Once I was more informed, I was able to actually apply it into my daily life, and I quickly began to see how the Gospel was literally present in every aspect of my life. That year I did a lot of soul searching. I had a couple of hard moments, but throughout those various struggles, and the frantic and searching prayers that followed, I was able to draw closer to God than I ever had before. I came to realize that I did need Christ in my life, and that His Gospel was the best source for the comfort that I was so desperately seeking. I read 2 Cor. 1:3-6 so many times that year, and many times since. Whenever life starts to feel like too much to handle, I still read over it and pray for that comfort that it promises. Try it, it works! :)

The revelations didn't end there. The experience that has most recently reaffirmed these beliefs and how imperative the Gospel is to my way of life happened just this past week when a friend stayed with me for a few days. I did not know this friend very well when I invited her into my home, but she needed a place to stay and I knew she was going through a difficult time. As we talked long hours into the night and learned more about each other, I was very happy I had been given the opportunity to get to know her better. Her life up to this point has been incredibly difficult. She had to make many decisions that someone of her age should not even have been exposed to yet. She had made a lot of mistakes- things that I could not even imagine having to go through, and in turn had fallen far from the ideals of the church. However, she is now making the effort to come back. This truly amazed me. She is a strong and inspirational woman. It was also a much-needed reminder to me of the gratitude that I should feel every second of every day for the opportunity to be a part of something so amazing; to have the knowledge that I do of this church, and for the contribution it has undeniably been to the person that I have become.

I never magically grew a testimony, but bit by bit I came to know that my Father in Heaven does indeed exist, and that He loves me and wants me to be happy and successful. I know that God will always be there for me, and that I am never alone. I am so grateful for the scriptures and the comfort that they are to me, as well as for the knowledge that when all else fails I can turn to them to calm my troubled heart. I do believe in this Gospel, and I am so incredibly grateful for its constant presence and the guiding force that it has been in my life. I know that it makes up a huge part of my values and beliefs and that it is the single biggest contribution to the person that I am today. I am glad that I never had to question moral issues. I grew up knowing right from wrong, and I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to be born into this church, to grow up with it always being a part of my life. I am so grateful for modern-day revelation, and latter-day prophets. I don't know where I would be without their constant guidance in my life. This is the true church. I know that now, and I am going to do all in my power to strengthen that resolve and solidify my testimony. I have just been called as a Gospel Doctrine teacher (again- best calling ever!) and I am so excited to learn even more about this beautiful Gospel!

I love you all, and thanks so much to those of you who have been such shining examples to me. :)
❤, Meagan

My Life is So Good. :)

Sorry for the long delay, folks! But I am back, and with lots to say. Hopefully I'll remember to update this a bit more frequently.

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is self-improvement. I think that no matter how good we are, we still get down on ourselves about the way we are living our lives and those certain obstacles that we just can't seem to hurdle. However, I recently had an experience that made me look at life's challenges in a whole new light.

I went to institute with Sam a couple of weeks ago and the guy that was teaching the lesson, Paul, kept saying that "my life is way better than I deserve." And in that moment it hit me how true that statement really was, and that it is quite applicable to my life as well. I wonder if maybe God has decided to try a new approach with me. Rather than trying to refine me by challenges, maybe he is giving me everything that I want and hoping that I will rise to the occasion. When my life is good, I think that I try harder to be a good person. In essence, I want to live worthy of the blessed life that I lead. I really do love my life and those in it, and I am so incredibly grateful to have such a kind, loving, and watchful Father in Heaven. Here's to becoming better, and to working hard to live up to the wonderful life He has given me. :)
❤, Meagan

Let Your Light So Shine! :)

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and it's kind of just been hanging out in my drafts ever since. But I wanted to share it because of how happy it made me at the time. I was going to post on the day I found out, just so my captivated blog audience could see both my agitatated (With two at's apparently) and excited extremes. But alas, I am awful at blogging. Even worse than I am at keeping a journal. Or writing friends back, which I really need to do. But, that's not the point... So, back to the good news, but first: story time.
      I have this friend... We were best friends in high school, but then I moved away and he is sort of really bad at keeping in touch. So one day when I'm back in my old home town, I decide to show up and surprise him. Very very bad idea. Nothing is worse than finding your best friend smoking pot with his hoodlum friends and finding out that since you have left he has become dependent on drugs and alcohol. I was devastated, and I couldn't stick around and talk to him, especially not like that. So I left. He texted for a few days, and I thought we were actually going to stay in touch this time. Especially after he told me how much he missed me and how he was going to change his life so he wouldn't be that person that I had found the night before. But that ended quickly and I didn't hear from him for months afterwards. Occasionally we would have a brief chat on facebook, but those were few and far between.
     Sorry for the depressing story after claiming to have good news. Here is the good news. :) So... A month or so ago when I was making the frequent drive between South Jordan and Provo, I decided to call him. I knew this was a long shot, since it had been so long since I'd heard from him (about 2 years!); but he actually picked up! He told me how happy he was to hear from me, because he was right in the middle of some chaotic things, and he was able to confide in me and get things figured out. We had a conversation that lasted about an hour and half, much longer than the drive took. I got to talk to my best friend again. He told me all about how he has quit doing those harmful things, and he has turned his life around. When I left that town he was an Atheist, and sometimes even gave me grief over my religious beliefs. But now? Now he goes to church, too! Not my church, but church nonetheless. He told me all about how he reads the Bible, and how happy that makes him, and how he just wants to share it with everyone. I was so happy to hear that. I knew that my worries and prayers in his behalf had been answered. He had turned his life around. :)
     Are you ready for the best part? The best part is: He said it was all because of me. He said that me showing up that night was just what he needed. He needed a wake up call, a metaphorical slap-in-the-face. He made the analogy of the little angel and devil. You know... The ones who sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ears? Yep, those. He told me that I am the little angel on his shoulder. When he wants to fall back into his old ways he thinks of me and what I would do.
     The next day I was pretty much floating on air. I just had this big silly grin and wanted to hug everyone I saw. I got some notes from friends after ward prayer that night, one saying I was the sunshine in his life (Cheesy, but aww!) and one saying that when she was around me she was always so much happier. These just added to my good mood, because I always try to stay upbeat and positive in the hopes it will rub off on those around me. I want to be that person that people like being around. And it seemed like when I needed that affirmation the most I got it in multiple doses. Now I know that my efforts have payed off. I do touch other people, and I do influence them, and in a good way!
      I guess the moral of this story is that you never know what impression you are making on others. So reach out! Make friends. Be there for people. And let your light shine! :) I love you all so much, thanks for letting me be a part of your life!
❤, Meagan

Darling

So... I am generally incredibly opposed to pet names. Not that I myself have had many relationships to base this off of, but hearing other people call their significant others silly things like sweetie, baby, pooky, or what have you is just like... Really guys? Barf.

But, recently I have decided that if/when I ever have a significant other, then Darling would be an acceptable pet name. Now before you roll your eyes at me and call me old-fashioned I will explain why.

Psalm 35:17 states:
Lord, how long wilt thou look on? rescue my soul from their destructions, my darling* from the lions.
* Foot note: Darling is translated to only life.

So, if you call someone your darling, you are calling them your only life!

Call me a romantic (and it would be true), but the first time I read this and saw the translation I had to go "Awwww!" and then tell all the roomies. So there you have it: cute and scriptural. I'd say it's a good one. :)
❤, Meagan

Christmas!

I have been wanting to start a blog lately, but haven't really had anything noteworthy or exciting to write about. But... I figure that I can and should be doing something somewhat productive while I am wasting my time away on the computer.

I think that Christmas is as good a day as any to randomly share my thoughts. A couple of Sundays ago some guys sang a song in church that was just super good, and I loved the lyrics to it. The closing line of the song (In a Bleak Midwinter) really touched me, so I have tried to keep it in my thoughts this Christmas season and remember what it's really about.

"If I were a wise man I would do my part, but what can I give Him? I'll give Him my heart."
Any other gift we could give Him would surely seem insignificant in comparison to the ultimate sacrifice, so I am going to try my very hardest to give Him the one most important thing... My heart. I want to live my life in a way that He and anyone else who knows me will be proud to call me their friend.

While I do love all of the excitement and presents that accompany this time of year I have tried to remember that those are not the most important things. It's the time with family, and of course, the real 'reason for the season'.

Thanks a bunch to everyone who has been a part of my life this year, I love you all so much! Merry Christmas! :)
❤, Meagan