Tonight I sat and scrolled through my phone, looking at all my pictures from the last year or so and trying to remember when the last time I felt truly happy and carefree was, and I think this trip was it. These photos are both from a trip to Mexico that I took in the summer of 2017. I had no pressing concerns weighing heavily in the back of my mind, no things to constantly stress, worry, and obsess over, and I got to spend 8 days just soaking up the sun, playing, spending time with family, and eating (yes I love food that much), and I felt so free, optimistic, and excited about what life would bring me next. Also, look how tan I was! -->
... But then 2018 happened, and my world crashed down around me. 2018 was the hardest year of my life. 2018 broke me to a point that I've never been broken before. 2018 taught me what it is like to feel desperately alone... And not because I don't have an amazing support system, but because I isolated myself. 2018 showed me those raw, and painful emotions that I've never experienced before. I learned what it is to feel heartbroken. I had two extremely painful ends to relationships I had high hopes for, and I learned what it feels like to start questioning every relationship, and failing to make new, meaningful ones because you're afraid to trust again for fear of that person leaving, and you feeling let down yet again. This year taught me how to cry until I couldn't breathe, and all the tears were gone. 2018 took my extroverted nature from me, and replaced it with anxiety... The kind where I locked myself in my room for days at a time (summer break was painful), avoided all humans - even my roommates, and only came out when I needed food. The kind where I didn't go to events with more than 5 people or so, and if a friend wanted to see me, they had to come to me, because showering, getting dressed, and going out was more than I could handle some days. Most days, actually. 2018 filled me with dread over new experiences and the unknown. Then school started and I was busy again, and I was ok for a couple months because I was distracted. But then the anxiety reared its ugly head again. There was a lot of uncertainty in my life at this time, mostly work-related, and this also introduced me to something new: the chest-tightening, struggling to breathe, help-what-is-happening-to-me panic attack that I had in my dark classroom one day while my students were at recess. I have a whole new understanding and respect for people who have struggled with anxiety and/or depression for long stretches of time, because it. is. crippling. Please, please, please reach out to me if you are ever feeling alone and need a reminder of your worth.
All that being said - this past Sunday as I was reflecting on my new year resolutions, I knew that I needed to focus on healing, and learning to be Me again. I needed to reconnect with the me that smiles and means it, instead of smiles and hopes my life will catch up. But I needed to figure out how to get back to that, because I haven't seen that girl in a while. I started by searching the word "change" in my Gospel Library app, and it brought me to a talk called "Now Is the Time" by Elder Jack N Gerrard, and it really resonated with me. I highly suggest reading it if you are looking for motivation to make some changes in your life. This talk is all about perfecting yourself now instead of waiting until the moment is ideal, or certain things are in place. Here are a few of my favorite statements from the talk:
In the beginning, Elder Gerrard told a story of a man who was going into a risky surgery, and his doctor told him: "If there is anything in your life you need to consider, now is the time." Later Elder Gerrard encouraged everyone “to do a thorough life assessment with the Lord … to ensure that your feet are firmly planted on the covenant path.” I think everyone can do their own small part to strengthen their relationship with the Lord, and I am going to make a concentrated effort on this in 2019, because I firmly believe that's where my healing will start.
Later on he says that "We live in a world of information overload, dominated by ever-increasing distractions that make it more and more difficult to sort through the commotion of this life and focus on things of eternal worth. Our daily lives are bombarded with attention-grabbing headlines, served up by rapidly changing technologies. Unless we take the time to reflect, we may not realize the impact of this fast-paced environment on our daily lives and the choices we make. We may find our lives consumed with bursts of information packaged in memes, videos, and glaring headlines. Although interesting and entertaining, most of these have little to do with our eternal progress, and yet they shape the way we view our mortal experience."
I think I am guilty of this. I live such a fast-paced life that I exhaust myself with all the to-do's, and don't make time for the little things. I am good at attending church, and all my meetings, and I never miss an institute class. I am a highly duty-bound person, so I fulfill my callings to the max. However, I am not good at the personal, spiritual development side of religion. I am guilty of making too many goals, or too ambitious of goals, then getting overwhelmed, giving up, and thinking that I'll try again later. But last time I did that I never tried again later. I let the hardships of this past year and a half shake my faith. I grew bitter, and angry, and sad. And I think it's because I didn't hold on to my relationship with Christ, and trust in Him to make everything ok again. I wallowed in self-pity instead. So this year I am sticking to the basics. My goals for 2019 are those simple, yet highly effective methods of strengthening one's faith that I have neglected lately. I am going to read my scriptures daily, pray more regularly, and attend the temple at least once a month. My roommate and I made a goal tonight to read the New Testament before the school year is over, since neither of us have read it all the way through before, and I'm excited to learn from it.
Now, before I wrap things up... Between all the heartache, sadness, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that 2018 brought me, there were a few good moments. I went on a cruise and visited 3 countries, 2 of which were new to me, I met some new people despite my hermit ways, I taught piano, I have now had half a school year with my favorite class ever (and seriously, this is a tender mercy because I was at my breaking point with teaching), my high school bestie flew up to visit and I got to spend a couple days with her for the first time in over 8 years, I played and played and played with my sweet nieces, I gained a brother-in-law, and I learned to be ok spending time alone.
These are the moments that I felt the happiest, and the most Me this year, and I think I see a theme in them. Those moments that I am most focused on my faith, family, friends, and myself are the ones that bring me peace. I need to simplify, focus on the things that matter most, and disconnect from those that don't bring importance or joy into my life. It's time to start forming more personal relationships, and give myself to God again. That will be the recipe to true happiness. :)
I swear I have other family besides my nieces. I guess I don't take as many pictures with them!
In closing, here's a scripture.
"In me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). This scripture is a good reminder that God is love. I know He yearns for my happiness as much as I do. I just have to do my part to draw nearer to Him so he can lift me up. I know that in Christ there is peace. I have a testimony that prayer, scriptures, and temple attendance are the means to find that peace. Thank you to those of you who checked in and kept me sane this year. Much love to you. May 2019 bring peace and joy!❤, Meagan
