2019, Please Be Kind

Here's a snapshot of Me before this year: extremely extroverted, very good at meeting new people and making friends, never home because I was always out seeking a crowd and new adventures, and taking those who were shy or broken under my wing - because I've notoriously been the stable one. The fixer. The ever-smiling friend you could turn to when you were falling apart.






Tonight I sat and scrolled through my phone, looking at all my pictures from the last year or so and trying to remember when the last time I felt truly happy and carefree was, and I think this trip was it. These photos are both from a trip to Mexico that I took in the summer of 2017. I had no pressing concerns weighing heavily in the back of my mind, no things to constantly stress, worry, and obsess over, and I got to spend 8 days just soaking up the sun, playing, spending time with family, and eating (yes I love food that much), and I felt so free, optimistic, and excited about what life would bring me next. Also, look how tan I was! -->

... But then 2018 happened, and my world crashed down around me. 2018 was the hardest year of my life. 2018 broke me to a point that I've never been broken before. 2018 taught me what it is like to feel desperately alone... And not because I don't have an amazing support system, but because I isolated myself. 2018 showed me those raw, and painful emotions that I've never experienced before. I learned what it is to feel heartbroken. I had two extremely painful ends to relationships I had high hopes for, and I learned what it feels like to start questioning every relationship, and failing to make new, meaningful ones because you're afraid to trust again for fear of that person leaving, and you feeling let down yet again. This year taught me how to cry until I couldn't breathe, and all the tears were gone. 2018 took my extroverted nature from me, and replaced it with anxiety... The kind where I locked myself in my room for days at a time (summer break was painful), avoided all humans - even my roommates, and only came out when I needed food. The kind where I didn't go to events with more than 5 people or so, and if a friend wanted to see me, they had to come to me, because showering, getting dressed, and going out was more than I could handle some days. Most days, actually. 2018 filled me with dread over new experiences and the unknown. Then school started and I was busy again, and I was ok for a couple months because I was distracted. But then the anxiety reared its ugly head again. There was a lot of uncertainty in my life at this time, mostly work-related, and this also introduced me to something new: the chest-tightening, struggling to breathe, help-what-is-happening-to-me panic attack that I had in my dark classroom one day while my students were at recess. I have a whole new understanding and respect for people who have struggled with anxiety and/or depression for long stretches of time, because it. is. crippling. Please, please, please reach out to me if you are ever feeling alone and need a reminder of your worth.

All that being said - this past Sunday as I was reflecting on my new year resolutions, I knew that I needed to focus on healing, and learning to be Me again. I needed to reconnect with the me that smiles and means it, instead of smiles and hopes my life will catch up. But I needed to figure out how to get back to that, because I haven't seen that girl in a while. I started by searching the word "change" in my Gospel Library app, and it brought me to a talk called "Now Is the Time" by Elder Jack N Gerrard, and it really resonated with me. I highly suggest reading it if you are looking for motivation to make some changes in your life. This talk is all about perfecting yourself now instead of waiting until the moment is ideal, or certain things are in place. Here are a few of my favorite statements from the talk:

In the beginning, Elder Gerrard told a story of a man who was going into a risky surgery, and his doctor told him: "If there is anything in your life you need to consider, now is the time." Later Elder Gerrard encouraged everyone “to do a thorough life assessment with the Lord … to ensure that your feet are firmly planted on the covenant path.” I think everyone can do their own small part to strengthen their relationship with the Lord, and I am going to make a concentrated effort on this in 2019, because I firmly believe that's where my healing will start.

Later on he says that "We live in a world of information overload, dominated by ever-increasing distractions that make it more and more difficult to sort through the commotion of this life and focus on things of eternal worth. Our daily lives are bombarded with attention-grabbing headlines, served up by rapidly changing technologies. Unless we take the time to reflect, we may not realize the impact of this fast-paced environment on our daily lives and the choices we make. We may find our lives consumed with bursts of information packaged in memes, videos, and glaring headlines. Although interesting and entertaining, most of these have little to do with our eternal progress, and yet they shape the way we view our mortal experience."

I think I am guilty of this. I live such a fast-paced life that I exhaust myself with all the to-do's, and don't make time for the little things. I am good at attending church, and all my meetings, and I never miss an institute class. I am a highly duty-bound person, so I fulfill my callings to the max. However, I am not good at the personal, spiritual development side of religion. I am guilty of making too many goals, or too ambitious of goals, then getting overwhelmed, giving up, and thinking that I'll try again later. But last time I did that I never tried again later. I let the hardships of this past year and a half shake my faith. I grew bitter, and angry, and sad. And I think it's because I didn't hold on to my relationship with Christ, and trust in Him to make everything ok again. I wallowed in self-pity instead. So this year I am sticking to the basics. My goals for 2019 are those simple, yet highly effective methods of strengthening one's faith that I have neglected lately. I am going to read my scriptures daily, pray more regularly, and attend the temple at least once a month. My roommate and I made a goal tonight to read the New Testament before the school year is over, since neither of us have read it all the way through before, and I'm excited to learn from it.

Now, before I wrap things up... Between all the heartache, sadness, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that 2018 brought me, there were a few good moments. I went on a cruise and visited 3 countries, 2 of which were new to me, I met some new people despite my hermit ways, I taught piano, I have now had half a school year with my favorite class ever (and seriously, this is a tender mercy because I was at my breaking point with teaching), my high school bestie flew up to visit and I got to spend a couple days with her for the first time in over 8 years, I played and played and played with my sweet nieces, I gained a brother-in-law, and I learned to be ok spending time alone.

These are the moments that I felt the happiest, and the most Me this year, and I think I see a theme in them. Those moments that I am most focused on my faith, family, friends, and myself are the ones that bring me peace. I need to simplify, focus on the things that matter most, and disconnect from those that don't bring importance or joy into my life. It's time to start forming more personal relationships, and give myself to God again. That will be the recipe to true happiness. :)

I swear I have other family besides my nieces. I guess I don't take as many pictures with them!

In closing, here's a scripture.

"In me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). This scripture is a good reminder that God is love. I know He yearns for my happiness as much as I do. I just have to do my part to draw nearer to Him so he can lift me up. I know that in Christ there is peace. I have a testimony that prayer, scriptures, and temple attendance are the means to find that peace. Thank you to those of you who checked in and kept me sane this year. Much love to you. May 2019 bring peace and joy!
❤, Meagan

I Am Enough

Last year, as a new year's resolution I posted this blog post. In it I discussed how, instead of making new year's resolutions, I wanted to make monthly resolutions. I honestly forgot about them about halfway through the year, but looking back at that post and reading over it tonight struck me for a couple of reasons. As a refresher... Here's what I had.
I am.....
Productive
Kind
Talented
Patient
Brave
Spiritual
Adventurous
Strong
Joyful
Charitable
Thankful
Enough

January: I am Productive. I caught up on my grading, I tried not to stay at work too late doing pointless things, I kept up on my housework, etc. I was going to start this year strong!

February: I am Kind. I tried to respond more nicely to my students (I had a very frustrating class last year, and recognized my impatience with them.) I prayed for my hardest students, and tried to be more service-oriented.

March: I am Talented. I tried to learn a few new songs on the guitar, and practiced the piano more, to grow my talents a bit.

April: I am Patient. I think this is actually where I forgot to actively try for these goals each month. But honestly, every day of last school year was a lesson in patience. I think this is always something I can put more effort into, though. I am a notoriously impatient person when it comes to the smaller, inconsequential things.


May: I am Brave. I don't know that I did anything particularly brave this month, other than finishing what had been the hardest school year of my life up until this point. I feel like that requires a certain amount of bravery. Hahaha.

June: I am Spiritual. I remembered about these goals for a bit, and tried to focus on my scripture reading. I did pretty well for a little bit! This is one life goal that is always up and down for me.

July: I am Adventurous. I vacationed to Mexico, I parasailed, paddle boarded, and tried to make the most of my summer by making other small and random trips. I tried to be more open in my relationships, and had some undesirable adventures, mostly via bad dating experiences. But I learned a lot about myself, even though some of it led to painful learning experiences. 

--- Ok, starting about here I am not actively focused on these goals anymore, it is all retrospect and hindsight from here. 
August: I am Strong. Holy cow, I did not realize how much I would actually need to recognize my strength that month. That was one of the lowest months of my life up until that point! Thankfully I had AMAZING friends and roommates that helped me talk through my mess of emotions and remind me that I am strong. I am capable. And I am better than I give myself credit for.

September: I am Joyful. I was so joyful! I started dating someone. He was everything I thought I ever wanted. He was kind, chivalrous, and loved me when I felt scarred and completely unlovable. He pulled me from the depths of despair (if you can name that movie, we are kindred spirits). I fell for him so hard and so fast. I told him I loved him (in case you didn't know, that word is terrifying!) And it was a first for me. I was smitten, giddy, and happier than I think I ever had been.

October: I am Charitable. I probably didn't do as well with this as I could have, at least as far as serving everyone around me, but I did love providing for the person I was dating. I loved finding little ways to surprise him, and make his day better. I was the best girlfriend! (Self-proclaimed, but still, right? Haha.) Later we talked about this, and he did not feel that I was very service-oriented during the time we dated because I did not reach out to people in the ward. Honestly, I probably was a bit self-absorbed and lost in the moment, but I was just so over-the-moon happy with my life that I didn't care to look outside of it.

November: I am Thankful. I thought this was appropriate for November. It is easy to find the things you are grateful for around Thanksgiving time. This particular Thanksgiving, I was so wrapped up in my relationship, which honestly had started to get rocky by this point. We had been talking marriage (don't judge me for going so fast. Or do, because it's not really anyone's choice but mine anyway...) but his family was not on board. I had never been disliked by the family of anyone I was dating, and it killed me that it was coming from the family of the person that I wanted to marry! I felt unaccepted, and incompetent, because I couldn't figure out how to fix things, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do that. There were so. many. teary-eyed nights. So. many. breakdowns that my roomates had to listen to and try to comfort me through. (Thank you, roomies. You are seriously the best, and I am so grateful for you!) But I pushed on with the relationship, because I am stubborn, and determined, and thought it was what was best for me.

December: I am Enough. Again, I was not actively focusing on these goals. Oh, how I should have been! I had lost myself completely in the hardships of life, in wallowing in work troubles, and most of all, in relationship drama. It was overwhelming! It took me 4 months or so after my relationship ended to realize this. Heck, I barely realized this a few weeks ago! I loved that he loved me. I loved who I thought I was going to become with his help. I loved what I thought he saw in me. I did not recognize the constant, every day stress I was feeling with trying to live up to what I thought his expectations were. I am not trying to pin everything on him, or blame him for anything. I still have respect for him, and think he is a wonderful person, but I think that I had misconstrued what he wanted from me, or who I needed to be for him. I think my efforts to make him happy and salvage things became unrealistic, and too much for me to keep up with, and it was incredibly unhealthy for my feelings of self-worth.

Now, moving forward, as 2018 is almost halfway over (what??) I have learned SO MUCH about myself. In this post about January I talked about how hard that month was. My relationship ended, and I completely fell apart. I had put ALL of my time and effort the last 4 months or so into building that relationship, and I no longer knew who I was without the promise of where I thought my future was going. I didn't know how to handle everything I was going through at work (and it was a lot) without someone to come home and vent to, or cuddle with, or cry on. So I cried by myself. A LOT. I didn't know what to do without the constant reassurance that someone loved me, and cared how my day went (I have amazing family and friends who I know would have provided this for me, but I was feeling my loss too much to recognize that fully at the time). I felt like, between work and my personal life, that I had lost everything good about my life all at once, and didn't know what to carry on for, or where to find the strength to do it. So I put my happy face on, and I struggled through one day at a time. I quickly realized that I needed to learn to love myself again without the love of a significant other as validation. I needed to learn to recognize the things about myself that are unique and awesome. I needed to realize that I am a masterpiece all by myself - that I am competent, and worthy of love and respect, and strong in and of myself, not because someone else built me up or made me feel that way. 

I have focused so much these past few months on doing what I need to do for me. My relationships do not define me, nor will they ever again. I have learned to put me first - because you cannot build others up, or even live a productive and healthy life until your life is in order. In an effort to pick myself up I ate all my favorite things without anyone telling me they were unhealthy. I bought whatever I wanted (within reason) because I was only providing for myself for the foreseeable future. I watched as much TV as I wanted without anyone telling me I needed to go out and be active. I went on an expensive vacation, which is usually not something I will justify spending lots of money on, but was much needed. I jumped on a cruise ship and fled the country. I visited Mexico, Honduras, and Belize. I didn't talk to children, I took lots of pictures, I made new friends, I enjoyed my own company, and I just let myself be Me! It had been a long time since I was unapolagetically me, without anyone else in mind. And you know what?? All of these things helped me to heal. Almost 6 months after my world came crashing down around me, I can say that I LOVE my life again. I love who I am. I love where I am. I love what I have accomplished. I am not scared of my choices or insecure about my faults anymore. I am just Me. And I AM ENOUGH! Please, know that you are too. :)
❤, Meagan

January in One Word

I saw something the other day that encouraged me to “describe the last month in one word.” I thought about it for a few days, and the word I have chosen for January is HARD. Here are a few reasons why:

Dealing with rowdy 8-year-olds for 35 hours a week is hard. Feeling like a failure at work is hard. Getting your hopes up, just for them to come crashing back down is hard. Trying to fall out of head over heels, deeper than you thought possible love is really hard. Crying every time you try to talk about him and what you’ve lost is hard. Being sick for a week and missing work is also hard. Feeling like everything good has fallen out of your life is so hard. Looking at your mess of a house because you have been emotionally and physically drained to the point of having no motivation to keep up on it is hard. Almost constantly feeling emotionally and physically drained is… you guessed it. Hard. Are you noticing a pattern yet?

Truth.

December and January were extremely challenging months for me. I honestly think I have cried more in the last few weeks than I remember crying in the rest of my life combined. I’ve had sobbing, hyperventilating breakdowns where I can’t 

even stand, I’ve cried in my classroom while my kids are at recess, then pulled it together to go out and pick them up, I’ve cried in coworkers’ offices (including my principal’s office today, because I am awesome), I've called friends and cried, I’ve cried in friends' arms, I've cried in family's arms, I’ve cried in the arms of the people that are hurting me… And the crazy part is, that up until these past few months, I have not been a crier! Letting go of my emotions enough to cry is not typical for me - my roommate that I have lived with for almost two years just saw me cry for the first time during this time frame. But the last couple months, I haven’t really had any control over my emotions and when they choose to manifest. I have felt like I was scrambling to accomplish everything I needed to, while also trying to keep my emotions in check, smile occasionally, and not have a breakdown in front of every person who asked how I was doing (please see meme).

Also Truth.

I was a complete wreck all the time, and it was really stressful and embarrassing for me to feel so out of control.

While the combination of all these events made for what was probably the hardest few weeks I’ve ever had to go through, I feel like I have grown a lot. I am learning to do things for me. I am learning to do what I need to do to be happy. I am learning that if people won’t fight to be a part of my life, then they don’t deserve to be in it. I have learned that it's ok to love, and it's ok to cry, and it's ok to say what you need from people. I have learned that true friends are there for you in your weak moments, even if you’ve neglected them for a bit. I have learned that family always has your back, and that you can trust them to heal your wounds and remind you who you were before you felt so lost and hopeless.

Even before everything that I’ve gone through lately, I already knew that God loves me and has a plan for me. It’s hard to accept sometimes - especially when you are so busy trying to make what seem like really good plans for yourself. It’s hard when things don’t work out the way you want them to. It’s hard when everything goes wrong at once, and nothing you do feels good enough. But… The lower the lows, the more you will appreciate the highs when they do come, right?

My life motto these days.

Long story short, things are on the upward trend these days. I may not understand right now why I had to go through all of this, but I have family and friends who love me, and roommates who will listen to me cry and remind me that I’m awesome, and worth it. Life goes on, and I know I’m going to be fine in the end. :)

❤, Meagan

I Am Stronger Than I Thought

I honestly think that this past month has been the hardest of my life. I have been busier than ever before. I moved out of my parents' house into what ended up being a bad situation that I couldn't stay in, then moved back in during the first week of school while getting used to being at a new school, getting to know my students, learning new routines, and getting my feet off the ground. There were deadlines that I was struggling to meet, and circumstances outside of my control were preventing me from doing that. A few relationships in my life felt like they were crumbling, and I didn't know how to save them. I was stressed not only with work, but with my calling, and honestly, just life in general. I felt like everything was falling apart. Nothing seemed to be going right, and just when I thought the trial that I was enduring was the last one that I could possibly handle, another one would come along, and I would be that much more overwhelmed. Trial after trial stacked up and I shouldered them all, feeling like any moment I should just topple over and admit defeat.

Hardly anyone, regardless of how close they are to me, will ever see me cry. I do not like feeling like I am not in complete control of myself and my emotions, so I tend to stifle them. However, when life throws as many curveballs at you as it did me these last few weeks, it is just not possible to pretend that you're not hurting. Those close friends of mine that normally lean on me got to be on the receiving end of phone calls where they picked up, and I was immediately a blubbering mess. It was alarming for me to be this emotional. I went through a week where I had an emotional meltdown accompanied by hysterical sobbing every single day. On one such day, I called my friend and I told her that I have never been the "crying friend." I didn't know how to ask for comfort instead of give it, and it had been causing me tons of stress and anguish.

My typical role in life is the steady friend. I have always been the one that doesn't get emotional; that person that is known for always being chipper and smiling, and able to brighten someone else's day. I have always loved that I could be that support for people, but I have not felt like that person this last little while. In fact, it was exhausting to try to be her. As a result, I have recently learned that when people ask how you are doing it is ok to admit that you are struggling. It is ok to unload, and to ask for advice, and even (heaven forbid!) to cry sometimes. Those are not things that I have been willing to do before, but I learned.

Another friend was asking me a week or so ago why life can be so hard when you are trying so hard yourself. He was frustrated because he felt like he was doing everything right, and everything was still falling apart around him. He felt anxiety over his calling, over his family, over his job, and also over other relationships in his life. I knew exactly what he was going through. It seemed to parallel my own life perfectly. I told him that I think that life is the hardest when you are the toughest. God knows what you can handle, and He would never overload you. Then I realized how wise I sounded, and that up until then I probably wouldn't have believed those words from someone else. I needed to apply my counsel in my own life. Then, I realized that it was all going to be ok. I could get through this.

This has been the lock screen on my phone for a month or so now.
You are strong enough!

I think that Heavenly Father waits to give you the hardest trials until you are doing what you are supposed to and giving extra time to the Church. That way you will have the spiritual strength to handle what is being thrown at you, because if you weren't so strong in the Church at that moment then how on Earth would you handle it all?

Now, I'm not telling you all this so that you can feel bad for me. I don't want pity. I pretty much just want to vent, and then share what I've learned while going through it all. So here goes: I have learned that it is just as important to support others as it is to ask for others' help. You need to let others in. Share not only happy moments with them, but difficult ones as well. Don't be afraid to give others that chance to be the strong one, and to help you out when you are hurting. I've realized that our challenges can be as much for those around us as they are for us sometimes. I have also learned that God is there. I knew this before, but it was reaffirmed to me so many times throughout these trials. He loves us immensely - more than we will ever understand. He knows exactly what we are going through, because he suffered for our pains and anguish already, through the atonement. His suffering wasn't just for our sins. It was to cover all the pain we would experience in this life, including emotional pains. He knows perfectly what we are going through, because he has experienced it and He is there to help us get through it. He just wants us to remember to ask Him for help. I have learned that sometimes I have to admit that even I can't do everything by myself, as much as I want to be able to.

After all these lessons, the biggest take-away that I found in all of this is that, as I mentioned above, God only gives us what He knows we can handle. So while I may feel broken, I'm not. I'm really just stronger than I thought I was.

Happy Sunday. :)
❤, Meagan

A Small Bit of Perfection

I've kind of been in a funk the last few days. Life hasn't gone as planned, and I've had things I've wanted to work on, and felt like I just kept falling short of where I wanted to be.

But... I met with my bishop yesterday for tithing settlement, and after I told him that I am a full tithe-payer, he told me that I should take a moment to be proud of myself. He looked right at me and said "Even if there are other things you are struggling with, or want to work on... Take comfort in the fact that in this one thing you are perfect." That was such a pick-me-up! I had never thought about it that way before, and it really helped me to see that as a whole, I am far from perfect, but I do have small bits of perfection mixed in.

I think we all have a tendency to pick out the things we don't like about ourselves, and focus on our downfalls. We get so caught up in the things that we are not good at that we forget to notice and celebrate the things about us that are "perfect". Maybe I'll make that a New Year's resolution - to try and notice more good things about myself. I think life would be a little happier.

I love you all! Don't forget to notice those things that are perfect about you. And if you are having a hard time figuring out what they are, ask someone. I would be glad to provide a quick ego boost to anyone who needs it. :)
♥, Meagan

Teaching, Round Two!

As an intern I was required to keep a weekly reflection journal. In trying to psych myself up for school starting again tomorrow I read the positive note I left last school year on. (It's easy to be positive when summer is staring you in the face and it's full of endless possibilities. Like sleep. Yeah, I was mostly just excited about sleeping.) Anyway... It was really great to read through this and be reminded of some of the specific reasons why I love this job so much. 

"As demanding, difficult, and utterly exhausting as this year was… It reaffirmed my love for this career. I love teaching. I love being that extra influence in a child’s life. I love being the reason that they know something as basic as multiplication, or cursive for the rest of their lives. I love celebrating small achievements with them. I love knowing that I changed their lives and helped them to grow not only academically, but in character as well. I love seizing every teaching moment, and opening children’s eyes to the world around them. I love inspiring them to be better; to love learning and to love reading. I love when a child calls me “teacher” instead of my name. I love it because I am proud to be a teacher. I love when a child accidentally calls me “mom”, then gets all embarrassed. I love silly stories and jokes that don’t make sense. I love pretending things aren't funny because they’re inappropriate, then telling my friends all about it later. I love laughing with my students until none of us can breathe, and bringing it up weeks later. I even love the bad days, because they make the good ones that much more special.

I am so excited for a fresh start with a new class, and at a new school. I will miss Riverton Elementary and all of the amazing experiences that I had here. But after this year… I honestly feel like I can handle whatever next year throws at me."

I loved reading back over this, because I am now nervous for this fresh start. I am nervous for a new school, a new team, and not having the fallback of my BYU mentor teacher when I need her. I am nervous for new curriculum and methods. But at the same time I am so excited for this. I am excited to only be a teacher. Being a student simultaneously was so difficult! I am excited for first impressions, and to start new with new students that haven't had a chance to frazzle me yet. I am excited that I am not a first-year teacher anymore, and am confident enough, even at the beginning of the school year, to contribute in team meetings. I am excited that the first-year teachers look up to me and are coming to me for help. I am excited that the veteran teachers are coming to me for fresh ideas. I am just excited. I have missed teaching. Ask me again in a few weeks, and I might tell you a different story. But for the time being...? Bring on year 2!! :)
♥, Meagan

Empathy Will Get the Best of Me

I have been noticing lately what an empathetic person I am. This strikes me as a bit funny, because I have really prided myself in the past for my ability to control my emotions, and the fact that I am not your stereotypical emotional female. However, other people's emotions really rub off on me.

Rarely do I ever cry over experiences in my own life (it has to be something very major), but sad things in other people's lives get to me. When people that I care about are having an emotional day, for good or bad, I do too. Obviously to a bit of a smaller extent, but I tend to mirror them. A few examples:

One day a student was crying because his classmate had called him a cheater at Heads Up 7 Up. He was quite distraught, because he had not been cheating. He was crying, and I was just talking to him about how he should not let other people define him. I told him that as long as he was not cheating and he knew that he was doing the right thing that he should feel good about himself and not worry about the other person. As I was telling him this I felt myself tearing up. I was really confused. Who knew that was such an emotional game? Not I.

I was dating someone recently, and he had an awful day. He was feeling really upset about it. Something had happened with a friend that really wasn't his fault, but he felt like it was, and it had him really down. I could tell how sad he was about it and even though I was not even involved in the situation it really brought me down, too. That night and part of the next day I was feeling kind of mopey, too…. Until I realized how ridiculous it was to have a bad day just because someone else was.

I think that even though it can be a pain sometimes to feel what other people are feeling so strongly, that I really benefit from it too. I like being able to truly see where people are coming from. I like that they know that I really do care, and that I want to understand and be there for them. Because of this trait, I think that those in my life: friends, family, students, etc. can really see that I love them and are able to take comfort in that.

Maybe instead of my empathy getting the best of me… Maybe it is the best of me, and right now I really need to be looking for those things.
♥, Meagan