2019, Please Be Kind

Here's a snapshot of Me before this year: extremely extroverted, very good at meeting new people and making friends, never home because I was always out seeking a crowd and new adventures, and taking those who were shy or broken under my wing - because I've notoriously been the stable one. The fixer. The ever-smiling friend you could turn to when you were falling apart.






Tonight I sat and scrolled through my phone, looking at all my pictures from the last year or so and trying to remember when the last time I felt truly happy and carefree was, and I think this trip was it. These photos are both from a trip to Mexico that I took in the summer of 2017. I had no pressing concerns weighing heavily in the back of my mind, no things to constantly stress, worry, and obsess over, and I got to spend 8 days just soaking up the sun, playing, spending time with family, and eating (yes I love food that much), and I felt so free, optimistic, and excited about what life would bring me next. Also, look how tan I was! -->

... But then 2018 happened, and my world crashed down around me. 2018 was the hardest year of my life. 2018 broke me to a point that I've never been broken before. 2018 taught me what it is like to feel desperately alone... And not because I don't have an amazing support system, but because I isolated myself. 2018 showed me those raw, and painful emotions that I've never experienced before. I learned what it is to feel heartbroken. I had two extremely painful ends to relationships I had high hopes for, and I learned what it feels like to start questioning every relationship, and failing to make new, meaningful ones because you're afraid to trust again for fear of that person leaving, and you feeling let down yet again. This year taught me how to cry until I couldn't breathe, and all the tears were gone. 2018 took my extroverted nature from me, and replaced it with anxiety... The kind where I locked myself in my room for days at a time (summer break was painful), avoided all humans - even my roommates, and only came out when I needed food. The kind where I didn't go to events with more than 5 people or so, and if a friend wanted to see me, they had to come to me, because showering, getting dressed, and going out was more than I could handle some days. Most days, actually. 2018 filled me with dread over new experiences and the unknown. Then school started and I was busy again, and I was ok for a couple months because I was distracted. But then the anxiety reared its ugly head again. There was a lot of uncertainty in my life at this time, mostly work-related, and this also introduced me to something new: the chest-tightening, struggling to breathe, help-what-is-happening-to-me panic attack that I had in my dark classroom one day while my students were at recess. I have a whole new understanding and respect for people who have struggled with anxiety and/or depression for long stretches of time, because it. is. crippling. Please, please, please reach out to me if you are ever feeling alone and need a reminder of your worth.

All that being said - this past Sunday as I was reflecting on my new year resolutions, I knew that I needed to focus on healing, and learning to be Me again. I needed to reconnect with the me that smiles and means it, instead of smiles and hopes my life will catch up. But I needed to figure out how to get back to that, because I haven't seen that girl in a while. I started by searching the word "change" in my Gospel Library app, and it brought me to a talk called "Now Is the Time" by Elder Jack N Gerrard, and it really resonated with me. I highly suggest reading it if you are looking for motivation to make some changes in your life. This talk is all about perfecting yourself now instead of waiting until the moment is ideal, or certain things are in place. Here are a few of my favorite statements from the talk:

In the beginning, Elder Gerrard told a story of a man who was going into a risky surgery, and his doctor told him: "If there is anything in your life you need to consider, now is the time." Later Elder Gerrard encouraged everyone “to do a thorough life assessment with the Lord … to ensure that your feet are firmly planted on the covenant path.” I think everyone can do their own small part to strengthen their relationship with the Lord, and I am going to make a concentrated effort on this in 2019, because I firmly believe that's where my healing will start.

Later on he says that "We live in a world of information overload, dominated by ever-increasing distractions that make it more and more difficult to sort through the commotion of this life and focus on things of eternal worth. Our daily lives are bombarded with attention-grabbing headlines, served up by rapidly changing technologies. Unless we take the time to reflect, we may not realize the impact of this fast-paced environment on our daily lives and the choices we make. We may find our lives consumed with bursts of information packaged in memes, videos, and glaring headlines. Although interesting and entertaining, most of these have little to do with our eternal progress, and yet they shape the way we view our mortal experience."

I think I am guilty of this. I live such a fast-paced life that I exhaust myself with all the to-do's, and don't make time for the little things. I am good at attending church, and all my meetings, and I never miss an institute class. I am a highly duty-bound person, so I fulfill my callings to the max. However, I am not good at the personal, spiritual development side of religion. I am guilty of making too many goals, or too ambitious of goals, then getting overwhelmed, giving up, and thinking that I'll try again later. But last time I did that I never tried again later. I let the hardships of this past year and a half shake my faith. I grew bitter, and angry, and sad. And I think it's because I didn't hold on to my relationship with Christ, and trust in Him to make everything ok again. I wallowed in self-pity instead. So this year I am sticking to the basics. My goals for 2019 are those simple, yet highly effective methods of strengthening one's faith that I have neglected lately. I am going to read my scriptures daily, pray more regularly, and attend the temple at least once a month. My roommate and I made a goal tonight to read the New Testament before the school year is over, since neither of us have read it all the way through before, and I'm excited to learn from it.

Now, before I wrap things up... Between all the heartache, sadness, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that 2018 brought me, there were a few good moments. I went on a cruise and visited 3 countries, 2 of which were new to me, I met some new people despite my hermit ways, I taught piano, I have now had half a school year with my favorite class ever (and seriously, this is a tender mercy because I was at my breaking point with teaching), my high school bestie flew up to visit and I got to spend a couple days with her for the first time in over 8 years, I played and played and played with my sweet nieces, I gained a brother-in-law, and I learned to be ok spending time alone.

These are the moments that I felt the happiest, and the most Me this year, and I think I see a theme in them. Those moments that I am most focused on my faith, family, friends, and myself are the ones that bring me peace. I need to simplify, focus on the things that matter most, and disconnect from those that don't bring importance or joy into my life. It's time to start forming more personal relationships, and give myself to God again. That will be the recipe to true happiness. :)

I swear I have other family besides my nieces. I guess I don't take as many pictures with them!

In closing, here's a scripture.

"In me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). This scripture is a good reminder that God is love. I know He yearns for my happiness as much as I do. I just have to do my part to draw nearer to Him so he can lift me up. I know that in Christ there is peace. I have a testimony that prayer, scriptures, and temple attendance are the means to find that peace. Thank you to those of you who checked in and kept me sane this year. Much love to you. May 2019 bring peace and joy!
❤, Meagan

I Am Enough

Last year, as a new year's resolution I posted this blog post. In it I discussed how, instead of making new year's resolutions, I wanted to make monthly resolutions. I honestly forgot about them about halfway through the year, but looking back at that post and reading over it tonight struck me for a couple of reasons. As a refresher... Here's what I had.
I am.....
Productive
Kind
Talented
Patient
Brave
Spiritual
Adventurous
Strong
Joyful
Charitable
Thankful
Enough

January: I am Productive. I caught up on my grading, I tried not to stay at work too late doing pointless things, I kept up on my housework, etc. I was going to start this year strong!

February: I am Kind. I tried to respond more nicely to my students (I had a very frustrating class last year, and recognized my impatience with them.) I prayed for my hardest students, and tried to be more service-oriented.

March: I am Talented. I tried to learn a few new songs on the guitar, and practiced the piano more, to grow my talents a bit.

April: I am Patient. I think this is actually where I forgot to actively try for these goals each month. But honestly, every day of last school year was a lesson in patience. I think this is always something I can put more effort into, though. I am a notoriously impatient person when it comes to the smaller, inconsequential things.


May: I am Brave. I don't know that I did anything particularly brave this month, other than finishing what had been the hardest school year of my life up until this point. I feel like that requires a certain amount of bravery. Hahaha.

June: I am Spiritual. I remembered about these goals for a bit, and tried to focus on my scripture reading. I did pretty well for a little bit! This is one life goal that is always up and down for me.

July: I am Adventurous. I vacationed to Mexico, I parasailed, paddle boarded, and tried to make the most of my summer by making other small and random trips. I tried to be more open in my relationships, and had some undesirable adventures, mostly via bad dating experiences. But I learned a lot about myself, even though some of it led to painful learning experiences. 

--- Ok, starting about here I am not actively focused on these goals anymore, it is all retrospect and hindsight from here. 
August: I am Strong. Holy cow, I did not realize how much I would actually need to recognize my strength that month. That was one of the lowest months of my life up until that point! Thankfully I had AMAZING friends and roommates that helped me talk through my mess of emotions and remind me that I am strong. I am capable. And I am better than I give myself credit for.

September: I am Joyful. I was so joyful! I started dating someone. He was everything I thought I ever wanted. He was kind, chivalrous, and loved me when I felt scarred and completely unlovable. He pulled me from the depths of despair (if you can name that movie, we are kindred spirits). I fell for him so hard and so fast. I told him I loved him (in case you didn't know, that word is terrifying!) And it was a first for me. I was smitten, giddy, and happier than I think I ever had been.

October: I am Charitable. I probably didn't do as well with this as I could have, at least as far as serving everyone around me, but I did love providing for the person I was dating. I loved finding little ways to surprise him, and make his day better. I was the best girlfriend! (Self-proclaimed, but still, right? Haha.) Later we talked about this, and he did not feel that I was very service-oriented during the time we dated because I did not reach out to people in the ward. Honestly, I probably was a bit self-absorbed and lost in the moment, but I was just so over-the-moon happy with my life that I didn't care to look outside of it.

November: I am Thankful. I thought this was appropriate for November. It is easy to find the things you are grateful for around Thanksgiving time. This particular Thanksgiving, I was so wrapped up in my relationship, which honestly had started to get rocky by this point. We had been talking marriage (don't judge me for going so fast. Or do, because it's not really anyone's choice but mine anyway...) but his family was not on board. I had never been disliked by the family of anyone I was dating, and it killed me that it was coming from the family of the person that I wanted to marry! I felt unaccepted, and incompetent, because I couldn't figure out how to fix things, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do that. There were so. many. teary-eyed nights. So. many. breakdowns that my roomates had to listen to and try to comfort me through. (Thank you, roomies. You are seriously the best, and I am so grateful for you!) But I pushed on with the relationship, because I am stubborn, and determined, and thought it was what was best for me.

December: I am Enough. Again, I was not actively focusing on these goals. Oh, how I should have been! I had lost myself completely in the hardships of life, in wallowing in work troubles, and most of all, in relationship drama. It was overwhelming! It took me 4 months or so after my relationship ended to realize this. Heck, I barely realized this a few weeks ago! I loved that he loved me. I loved who I thought I was going to become with his help. I loved what I thought he saw in me. I did not recognize the constant, every day stress I was feeling with trying to live up to what I thought his expectations were. I am not trying to pin everything on him, or blame him for anything. I still have respect for him, and think he is a wonderful person, but I think that I had misconstrued what he wanted from me, or who I needed to be for him. I think my efforts to make him happy and salvage things became unrealistic, and too much for me to keep up with, and it was incredibly unhealthy for my feelings of self-worth.

Now, moving forward, as 2018 is almost halfway over (what??) I have learned SO MUCH about myself. In this post about January I talked about how hard that month was. My relationship ended, and I completely fell apart. I had put ALL of my time and effort the last 4 months or so into building that relationship, and I no longer knew who I was without the promise of where I thought my future was going. I didn't know how to handle everything I was going through at work (and it was a lot) without someone to come home and vent to, or cuddle with, or cry on. So I cried by myself. A LOT. I didn't know what to do without the constant reassurance that someone loved me, and cared how my day went (I have amazing family and friends who I know would have provided this for me, but I was feeling my loss too much to recognize that fully at the time). I felt like, between work and my personal life, that I had lost everything good about my life all at once, and didn't know what to carry on for, or where to find the strength to do it. So I put my happy face on, and I struggled through one day at a time. I quickly realized that I needed to learn to love myself again without the love of a significant other as validation. I needed to learn to recognize the things about myself that are unique and awesome. I needed to realize that I am a masterpiece all by myself - that I am competent, and worthy of love and respect, and strong in and of myself, not because someone else built me up or made me feel that way. 

I have focused so much these past few months on doing what I need to do for me. My relationships do not define me, nor will they ever again. I have learned to put me first - because you cannot build others up, or even live a productive and healthy life until your life is in order. In an effort to pick myself up I ate all my favorite things without anyone telling me they were unhealthy. I bought whatever I wanted (within reason) because I was only providing for myself for the foreseeable future. I watched as much TV as I wanted without anyone telling me I needed to go out and be active. I went on an expensive vacation, which is usually not something I will justify spending lots of money on, but was much needed. I jumped on a cruise ship and fled the country. I visited Mexico, Honduras, and Belize. I didn't talk to children, I took lots of pictures, I made new friends, I enjoyed my own company, and I just let myself be Me! It had been a long time since I was unapolagetically me, without anyone else in mind. And you know what?? All of these things helped me to heal. Almost 6 months after my world came crashing down around me, I can say that I LOVE my life again. I love who I am. I love where I am. I love what I have accomplished. I am not scared of my choices or insecure about my faults anymore. I am just Me. And I AM ENOUGH! Please, know that you are too. :)
❤, Meagan

January in One Word

I saw something the other day that encouraged me to “describe the last month in one word.” I thought about it for a few days, and the word I have chosen for January is HARD. Here are a few reasons why:

Dealing with rowdy 8-year-olds for 35 hours a week is hard. Feeling like a failure at work is hard. Getting your hopes up, just for them to come crashing back down is hard. Trying to fall out of head over heels, deeper than you thought possible love is really hard. Crying every time you try to talk about him and what you’ve lost is hard. Being sick for a week and missing work is also hard. Feeling like everything good has fallen out of your life is so hard. Looking at your mess of a house because you have been emotionally and physically drained to the point of having no motivation to keep up on it is hard. Almost constantly feeling emotionally and physically drained is… you guessed it. Hard. Are you noticing a pattern yet?

Truth.

December and January were extremely challenging months for me. I honestly think I have cried more in the last few weeks than I remember crying in the rest of my life combined. I’ve had sobbing, hyperventilating breakdowns where I can’t 

even stand, I’ve cried in my classroom while my kids are at recess, then pulled it together to go out and pick them up, I’ve cried in coworkers’ offices (including my principal’s office today, because I am awesome), I've called friends and cried, I’ve cried in friends' arms, I've cried in family's arms, I’ve cried in the arms of the people that are hurting me… And the crazy part is, that up until these past few months, I have not been a crier! Letting go of my emotions enough to cry is not typical for me - my roommate that I have lived with for almost two years just saw me cry for the first time during this time frame. But the last couple months, I haven’t really had any control over my emotions and when they choose to manifest. I have felt like I was scrambling to accomplish everything I needed to, while also trying to keep my emotions in check, smile occasionally, and not have a breakdown in front of every person who asked how I was doing (please see meme).

Also Truth.

I was a complete wreck all the time, and it was really stressful and embarrassing for me to feel so out of control.

While the combination of all these events made for what was probably the hardest few weeks I’ve ever had to go through, I feel like I have grown a lot. I am learning to do things for me. I am learning to do what I need to do to be happy. I am learning that if people won’t fight to be a part of my life, then they don’t deserve to be in it. I have learned that it's ok to love, and it's ok to cry, and it's ok to say what you need from people. I have learned that true friends are there for you in your weak moments, even if you’ve neglected them for a bit. I have learned that family always has your back, and that you can trust them to heal your wounds and remind you who you were before you felt so lost and hopeless.

Even before everything that I’ve gone through lately, I already knew that God loves me and has a plan for me. It’s hard to accept sometimes - especially when you are so busy trying to make what seem like really good plans for yourself. It’s hard when things don’t work out the way you want them to. It’s hard when everything goes wrong at once, and nothing you do feels good enough. But… The lower the lows, the more you will appreciate the highs when they do come, right?

My life motto these days.

Long story short, things are on the upward trend these days. I may not understand right now why I had to go through all of this, but I have family and friends who love me, and roommates who will listen to me cry and remind me that I’m awesome, and worth it. Life goes on, and I know I’m going to be fine in the end. :)

❤, Meagan

Adjectives to Aspire to

Happy New Year! :) Every year I get caught up in the whole "new year, new me" thing. I make a million resolutions, and swear I'm actually going to remember them all year. I think it's great to want to improve yourself, and you should never stop trying to be better, but I also think that I need a new system. 2016 was a very productive year for me. I did a lot of growing up, and I accomplished a lot of my goals. I have a lot to celebrate! Because of that, in 2017 I think I want to focus on the things I already like about myself and strengthen those instead. In Relief Society today, we talked about goal setting and resolutions. The girl giving the lesson talked about a friend of hers that made a list of "I Am" statements and chose to work on one a month, then wrapped it all up by writing about it. I love that idea! I immediately started brainstorming my own list. Some of these I am weaker at than others, so some are ones I want to improve, and others are just something I want to focus on, because they are good things! So here is what I came up with:

I am.....
Productive
Kind
Talented
Patient
Brave
Spiritual
Adventurous
Strong
Joyful
Charitable
Thankful
Enough

If you have any ideas for me on how to live these adjectives to the fullest, please shoot them my way! Here's to a year of introspection. I'm excited. :)
❤,
Meagan

Reflections on the Atonement

Tonight in institute we listened to part of a talk by Elder Oaks, and in it he spoke of the atonement and just how far-reaching it is. I think we often forget everything that the atonement entails. Typically when I think of the atonement I think about the fact that Christ experienced my sins. He suffered for them so that I wouldn't have to. As a result, I can fully repent and make my way back to my Heavenly Father. While that is true, appreciated, and impressive in and of itself, I think we tend to forget that the atonement covers more than just sins. The atonement covers EVERY negative feeling, EVERY negative experience that we will have in mortality. Christ genuinely felt our anguish - not just over sins committed, but he also felt our anxiety, our depression, our stress, our doubt and insecurities, our longings, and our loneliness.

This is why Christ had to be half human, so that he could feel  all of these human emotions so deeply. The half God part is manifested in His surviving all of those feelings simultaneously. I am so truly grateful for the opportunity that I have to belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I love this Gospel. I would be lost without it. I love the knowledge that it gives me of right and wrong, and I am continuously so grateful to know that when I am faced with trials, I am not expected to overcome them by myself. I do not have to do hard things alone. Christ loves each one of us unconditionally, and will always reach out to pull us through the hardest moments of our lives. To whoever is reading: please, always remember this and know that you are loved more than you know. And you can do hard things.
❤, Meagan

Attitude of Gratitude! 2015

It's been a little while since I have posted (says every blog post I have ever written). I wanted to take a minute today to reflect on the things in my life that are wonderful. I really do have a lot of them, even if they're hard to notice sometimes.

I did an activity with my students this week where we wrote things that we are grateful for on little leaf cutouts and put them up all around the classroom. I had so much fun reading all of the things that they are grateful for, and now the classroom looks so festive and colorful! Here is a comprehensive list of all the things that they mentioned - spelling and grammar not corrected, and multiples included. 

Food

My family

My food

I am thankful for my friends

For holiday

I am thankful for a dog. And a bed.

Frends

My food and football

I am greatful for a dog, family, and a house with food

Toys

My life

Food and drinks espicily Spite

Clothes

Food

I am thankful for a house

Family

For money

Gardens

Im thankfull for basketball

Im thankfull for my family

Close (clothes)

Im thankfull for close

God

Really, look! It says God! 4 said God and one said allah. I loved it. :)

For family

I am thankfull for food

Food

Family

Family

I am thankful for my dog

Helping mis Jarding

Clothes

God

Help my mom

Food

My mom

And clen up my room

Gods (pretty sure they meant God)

Helping other pepol

Im thankful for food

Amimal’s

I thankful for everything

I am thankful for my family

Family

My house

Clothes house

Food

Family

My dad

Life

Gods

Dogs

Food

I’m thanckfull for food

I’m thanckfull for my dog

I’m thanckfull for my cat.

I’m thanckfull for my famley.

Food

Family and shoes

My family

Drinks and clothes

Parents

Pencils

Tree

House

Food

Games

My home

Shet (I don't think this is supposed to be naughty, but I have no idea what it is really supposed to say. Any ideas??)

I am thankful for piling up leaves with cousins and my brother. And eating junk food with them.

I’m thankful for my Aunt for cooking the turkey and having us over.

I’m thankful for football season.

I’m so thankful for hanging out with cousins.

I’m thankful 4 my family

I’m thankful 4 Ms. Jardine (bonus points for her!)

I’m thankful for being a muslim. (I loved this one. I have some cool cultures in my class)

I’m thankful for allah.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am thankful for sweet students, and the reminder to be appreciative of the little things, like pencils, leaf piles, and trees. I LOVE my job this year. I love my school, because I actually feel appreciated. I love my co-workers, and I love my students because they respect me. They are kind to each other, and make me feel so important and loved! I have just been waiting for a school year that I would enjoy as much as this one.

Now I know you have all been wondering what I contributed to our wall of gratitude leaves. Here are mine, which are maybe slightly less inspirational than my students':

My students loved the junk food one (my new girl that I got on Monday informed me that I am addicted to Dr. Pepper on only the 2nd day of her being in my class. Has this reached problem status yet?? Haha) They also questioned me on the cats one. Notice that none of them wrote cats on theirs, but there are several that say dogs. I am a little outnumbered! 

Anyway... Some things that I did not list that I am grateful for (because... you know, separation of church and state and whatnot) include: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and a Heavenly Father that comforts, watches over me and makes sure that I am not alone during my most difficult trials. I do love my life, and the Gospel that I am privileged to be a part of.

My friend sent me a quote about gratitude the other day. Here it is: "Gratitude is a mark of a noble soul and a refined character. We like to be around those who are grateful. They tend to brighten all around them. They make others feel better about themselves. They tend to be more humble, more joyful, more likable."
He said that I am this type of person and it made my day, because I have felt like a bit of a downer and a whiner lately. I think this is a great reminder that you are usually doing better than you feel you are. I know that this quote speaks truth. Thank you so much to each of you that have been a bright spot and support in my life. Keep it up! Continue to brighten those around you, and be that likable person. The world is a better place because of you. :) 

Happy Thanksgiving!
♥, Meagan