I saw something the other day that encouraged me to “describe the last month in one word.” I thought about it for a few days, and the word I have chosen for January is HARD. Here are a few reasons why:
Dealing with rowdy 8-year-olds for 35 hours a week is hard. Feeling like a failure at work is hard. Getting your hopes up, just for them to come crashing back down is hard. Trying to fall out of head over heels, deeper than you thought possible love is really hard. Crying every time you try to talk about him and what you’ve lost is hard. Being sick for a week and missing work is also hard. Feeling like everything good has fallen out of your life is so hard. Looking at your mess of a house because you have been emotionally and physically drained to the point of having no motivation to keep up on it is hard. Almost constantly feeling emotionally and physically drained is… you guessed it. Hard. Are you noticing a pattern yet?
December and January were extremely challenging months for me. I honestly think I have cried more in the last few weeks than I remember crying in the rest of my life combined. I’ve had sobbing, hyperventilating breakdowns where I can’t
even stand, I’ve cried
in my classroom while my kids are at recess, then pulled it together to go out
and pick them up, I’ve cried in coworkers’ offices (including my principal’s
office today, because I am awesome), I've called friends and cried, I’ve cried
in friends' arms, I've cried in family's arms, I’ve cried in the arms of the
people that are hurting me… And the crazy part is, that up until these past few
months, I have not been a crier! Letting go of my emotions enough to cry is not
typical for me - my roommate that I have lived with for almost two years just saw me cry for
the first time during this time frame. But the last couple months, I haven’t
really had any control over my emotions and when they choose to manifest. I
have felt like I was scrambling to accomplish everything I needed to, while
also trying to keep my emotions in check, smile occasionally, and not have a
breakdown in front of every person who asked how I was doing (please see meme).
I was a complete wreck all the time, and it was really stressful and embarrassing for me to feel so out of control.
While the combination of all these events made for what was probably the hardest few weeks I’ve ever had to go through, I feel like I have grown a lot. I am learning to do things for me. I am learning to do what I need to do to be happy. I am learning that if people won’t fight to be a part of my life, then they don’t deserve to be in it. I have learned that it's ok to love, and it's ok to cry, and it's ok to say what you need from people. I have learned that true friends are there for you in your weak moments, even if you’ve neglected them for a bit. I have learned that family always has your back, and that you can trust them to heal your wounds and remind you who you were before you felt so lost and hopeless.
Even before everything that I’ve gone through lately, I already knew that God loves me and has a plan for me. It’s hard to accept sometimes - especially when you are so busy trying to make what seem like really good plans for yourself. It’s hard when things don’t work out the way you want them to. It’s hard when everything goes wrong at once, and nothing you do feels good enough. But… The lower the lows, the more you will appreciate the highs when they do come, right?
|My life motto these days.|
Long story short, things are on the upward trend these days. I may not understand right now why I had to go through all of this, but I have family and friends who love me, and roommates who will listen to me cry and remind me that I’m awesome, and worth it. Life goes on, and I know I’m going to be fine in the end. :)