I Am Enough

Last year, as a new year's resolution I posted this blog post. In it I discussed how, instead of making new year's resolutions, I wanted to make monthly resolutions. I honestly forgot about them about halfway through the year, but looking back at that post and reading over it tonight struck me for a couple of reasons. As a refresher... Here's what I had.
I am.....
Productive
Kind
Talented
Patient
Brave
Spiritual
Adventurous
Strong
Joyful
Charitable
Thankful
Enough

January: I am Productive. I caught up on my grading, I tried not to stay at work too late doing pointless things, I kept up on my housework, etc. I was going to start this year strong!

February: I am Kind. I tried to respond more nicely to my students (I had a very frustrating class last year, and recognized my impatience with them.) I prayed for my hardest students, and tried to be more service-oriented.

March: I am Talented. I tried to learn a few new songs on the guitar, and practiced the piano more, to grow my talents a bit.

April: I am Patient. I think this is actually where I forgot to actively try for these goals each month. But honestly, every day of last school year was a lesson in patience. I think this is always something I can put more effort into, though. I am a notoriously impatient person when it comes to the smaller, inconsequential things.


May: I am Brave. I don't know that I did anything particularly brave this month, other than finishing what had been the hardest school year of my life up until this point. I feel like that requires a certain amount of bravery. Hahaha.

June: I am Spiritual. I remembered about these goals for a bit, and tried to focus on my scripture reading. I did pretty well for a little bit! This is one life goal that is always up and down for me.

July: I am Adventurous. I vacationed to Mexico, I parasailed, paddle boarded, and tried to make the most of my summer by making other small and random trips. I tried to be more open in my relationships, and had some undesirable adventures, mostly via bad dating experiences. But I learned a lot about myself, even though some of it led to painful learning experiences. 

--- Ok, starting about here I am not actively focused on these goals anymore, it is all retrospect and hindsight from here. 
August: I am Strong. Holy cow, I did not realize how much I would actually need to recognize my strength that month. That was one of the lowest months of my life up until that point! Thankfully I had AMAZING friends and roommates that helped me talk through my mess of emotions and remind me that I am strong. I am capable. And I am better than I give myself credit for.

September: I am Joyful. I was so joyful! I started dating someone. He was everything I thought I ever wanted. He was kind, chivalrous, and loved me when I felt scarred and completely unlovable. He pulled me from the depths of despair (if you can name that movie, we are kindred spirits). I fell for him so hard and so fast. I told him I loved him (in case you didn't know, that word is terrifying!) And it was a first for me. I was smitten, giddy, and happier than I think I ever had been.

October: I am Charitable. I probably didn't do as well with this as I could have, at least as far as serving everyone around me, but I did love providing for the person I was dating. I loved finding little ways to surprise him, and make his day better. I was the best girlfriend! (Self-proclaimed, but still, right? Haha.) Later we talked about this, and he did not feel that I was very service-oriented during the time we dated because I did not reach out to people in the ward. Honestly, I probably was a bit self-absorbed and lost in the moment, but I was just so over-the-moon happy with my life that I didn't care to look outside of it.

November: I am Thankful. I thought this was appropriate for November. It is easy to find the things you are grateful for around Thanksgiving time. This particular Thanksgiving, I was so wrapped up in my relationship, which honestly had started to get rocky by this point. We had been talking marriage (don't judge me for going so fast. Or do, because it's not really anyone's choice but mine anyway...) but his family was not on board. I had never been disliked by the family of anyone I was dating, and it killed me that it was coming from the family of the person that I wanted to marry! I felt unaccepted, and incompetent, because I couldn't figure out how to fix things, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do that. There were so. many. teary-eyed nights. So. many. breakdowns that my roomates had to listen to and try to comfort me through. (Thank you, roomies. You are seriously the best, and I am so grateful for you!) But I pushed on with the relationship, because I am stubborn, and determined, and thought it was what was best for me.

December: I am Enough. Again, I was not actively focusing on these goals. Oh, how I should have been! I had lost myself completely in the hardships of life, in wallowing in work troubles, and most of all, in relationship drama. It was overwhelming! It took me 4 months or so after my relationship ended to realize this. Heck, I barely realized this a few weeks ago! I loved that he loved me. I loved who I thought I was going to become with his help. I loved what I thought he saw in me. I did not recognize the constant, every day stress I was feeling with trying to live up to what I thought his expectations were. I am not trying to pin everything on him, or blame him for anything. I still have respect for him, and think he is a wonderful person, but I think that I had misconstrued what he wanted from me, or who I needed to be for him. I think my efforts to make him happy and salvage things became unrealistic, and too much for me to keep up with, and it was incredibly unhealthy for my feelings of self-worth.

Now, moving forward, as 2018 is almost halfway over (what??) I have learned SO MUCH about myself. In this post about January I talked about how hard that month was. My relationship ended, and I completely fell apart. I had put ALL of my time and effort the last 4 months or so into building that relationship, and I no longer knew who I was without the promise of where I thought my future was going. I didn't know how to handle everything I was going through at work (and it was a lot) without someone to come home and vent to, or cuddle with, or cry on. So I cried by myself. A LOT. I didn't know what to do without the constant reassurance that someone loved me, and cared how my day went (I have amazing family and friends who I know would have provided this for me, but I was feeling my loss too much to recognize that fully at the time). I felt like, between work and my personal life, that I had lost everything good about my life all at once, and didn't know what to carry on for, or where to find the strength to do it. So I put my happy face on, and I struggled through one day at a time. I quickly realized that I needed to learn to love myself again without the love of a significant other as validation. I needed to learn to recognize the things about myself that are unique and awesome. I needed to realize that I am a masterpiece all by myself - that I am competent, and worthy of love and respect, and strong in and of myself, not because someone else built me up or made me feel that way. 

I have focused so much these past few months on doing what I need to do for me. My relationships do not define me, nor will they ever again. I have learned to put me first - because you cannot build others up, or even live a productive and healthy life until your life is in order. In an effort to pick myself up I ate all my favorite things without anyone telling me they were unhealthy. I bought whatever I wanted (within reason) because I was only providing for myself for the foreseeable future. I watched as much TV as I wanted without anyone telling me I needed to go out and be active. I went on an expensive vacation, which is usually not something I will justify spending lots of money on, but was much needed. I jumped on a cruise ship and fled the country. I visited Mexico, Honduras, and Belize. I didn't talk to children, I took lots of pictures, I made new friends, I enjoyed my own company, and I just let myself be Me! It had been a long time since I was unapolagetically me, without anyone else in mind. And you know what?? All of these things helped me to heal. Almost 6 months after my world came crashing down around me, I can say that I LOVE my life again. I love who I am. I love where I am. I love what I have accomplished. I am not scared of my choices or insecure about my faults anymore. I am just Me. And I AM ENOUGH! Please, know that you are too. :)
❤, Meagan

January in One Word

I saw something the other day that encouraged me to “describe the last month in one word.” I thought about it for a few days, and the word I have chosen for January is HARD. Here are a few reasons why:

Dealing with rowdy 8-year-olds for 35 hours a week is hard. Feeling like a failure at work is hard. Getting your hopes up, just for them to come crashing back down is hard. Trying to fall out of head over heels, deeper than you thought possible love is really hard. Crying every time you try to talk about him and what you’ve lost is hard. Being sick for a week and missing work is also hard. Feeling like everything good has fallen out of your life is so hard. Looking at your mess of a house because you have been emotionally and physically drained to the point of having no motivation to keep up on it is hard. Almost constantly feeling emotionally and physically drained is… you guessed it. Hard. Are you noticing a pattern yet?

Truth.

December and January were extremely challenging months for me. I honestly think I have cried more in the last few weeks than I remember crying in the rest of my life combined. I’ve had sobbing, hyperventilating breakdowns where I can’t 

even stand, I’ve cried in my classroom while my kids are at recess, then pulled it together to go out and pick them up, I’ve cried in coworkers’ offices (including my principal’s office today, because I am awesome), I've called friends and cried, I’ve cried in friends' arms, I've cried in family's arms, I’ve cried in the arms of the people that are hurting me… And the crazy part is, that up until these past few months, I have not been a crier! Letting go of my emotions enough to cry is not typical for me - my roommate that I have lived with for almost two years just saw me cry for the first time during this time frame. But the last couple months, I haven’t really had any control over my emotions and when they choose to manifest. I have felt like I was scrambling to accomplish everything I needed to, while also trying to keep my emotions in check, smile occasionally, and not have a breakdown in front of every person who asked how I was doing (please see meme).

Also Truth.

I was a complete wreck all the time, and it was really stressful and embarrassing for me to feel so out of control.

While the combination of all these events made for what was probably the hardest few weeks I’ve ever had to go through, I feel like I have grown a lot. I am learning to do things for me. I am learning to do what I need to do to be happy. I am learning that if people won’t fight to be a part of my life, then they don’t deserve to be in it. I have learned that it's ok to love, and it's ok to cry, and it's ok to say what you need from people. I have learned that true friends are there for you in your weak moments, even if you’ve neglected them for a bit. I have learned that family always has your back, and that you can trust them to heal your wounds and remind you who you were before you felt so lost and hopeless.

Even before everything that I’ve gone through lately, I already knew that God loves me and has a plan for me. It’s hard to accept sometimes - especially when you are so busy trying to make what seem like really good plans for yourself. It’s hard when things don’t work out the way you want them to. It’s hard when everything goes wrong at once, and nothing you do feels good enough. But… The lower the lows, the more you will appreciate the highs when they do come, right?

My life motto these days.

Long story short, things are on the upward trend these days. I may not understand right now why I had to go through all of this, but I have family and friends who love me, and roommates who will listen to me cry and remind me that I’m awesome, and worth it. Life goes on, and I know I’m going to be fine in the end. :)

❤, Meagan

A Vision of Summer (Friends, Family, Parks, Swimming, and Picnics!)

Lately I have realized that I believe you have to make it through the mundane in order to get to the amazing - the things you really love. I feel like that's what this summer has been about for me. I am learning to work first and play later, which should be my mantra, but all too often is not. My summer started out like this:

Lamination has become the bane of my existence pretty much.

Because of the seemingly endless amounts of cutting, creativity, and writing of lesson plans that has been required of me this summer I have definitely had a woe-is-me, I'm so busy I don't even know what to do with myself attitude about summer so far. But don't worry, because I have recently stepped back and reevaluated things. I have actually had way more fun than I realized along the way. So without further adieu, here are a few of my summer shenanigans!! 

In the process of all this lovely craziness I have decided that SUMMER IS FOR....

...Saran Wrap! Ok, maybe not just Saran Wrap. I think it was the amazing people that I had the time to bond with (see what I did there?) while wrapped in it. I have really missed the social aspect of Provo and BYU, and I had the chance a few weeks ago to spend a few nights in Provo. In another post I mentioned being Saran wrapped to a bunch of other people, and true to form I took forever to get pictures up. But behold: It was fantastic fun. :)

We are having so much
fun! (Lisa is hidden in the back
where you can't see her.)

Robbie is a beast! And I was
falling over (as much as
possible while attached
to 4 other people.)

The aftermath. :)

...Parks! Summer is a time of graduation and celebration. But also lots and lots of playing. Preferably on playgrounds. Who says I have to be a grown up in order to have a big kid job? 

Don't let my happy face fool you. This was a VERY painful experience.
But a cute picture!

COUSINS!! As close as this pretty girl lives,
I do not see her nearly enough!

...Swimming! Going swimming is always the highlight of my summer. Sadly, I have only had the chance to go once this year. But I plan to make time for much more of that. :)

A new swimsuit definitely warranted a cheesy selfie.

...Pretty flowers! I love watching all the roses bloom on my mom's rosebushes. They brighten my day every time I walk through the yard. :)

They went from this....

.....to this in a matter of days! Amazing!

...Picnics!! Picnics are my favorite! I love taking the time to go enjoy the sunshine and eat in the grass with people I love.

We went on a Sunday picnic!
And waded in the creek. :)

I super love this picture. :) 

Summer is also for... Sandals! And soda! And pretty green grass. :) And baseball games! I don't usually love baseball, but we go every year for a company party for my dad. This year I enjoyed it more than usual. I think it's probably because I've been so stressed with getting ready for my internship. I've had some big due dates in the last week or so and since I got it all done I FINALLY had time to kick back and relax a bit. I think I forgot what that was like. :)

I think the scariest part of my summer internship planning is over (at least for now... fingers crossed) but we all know it only gets worse from here. So in the mean time I am going to make time for more fun things! So far all I have is Lagoon on my agenda. We are going next week for a daddy/daughters day! But other than that? I am very open to suggestions. Bring on summer. :)

Wait a minute! My post wouldn't be complete without a song now, would it? Here is one that I have really been enjoying lately. (For obvious seasonal reasons).

"I like blue skies and hot nights, kisses by the firelight... 

Just like summertime. 

And I like cold sips of soda, picnics on the corner... 

Just like summertime!"

Summertime is my absolute favorite. I love you all, I miss my Provo friends like crazy, and as always... life is so good!

❤, Meagan

Beautiful/Crazy/Busy/Amazing!

I guess I lied about writing once a week. I'm sort of going crazy with all this internship stuff. On the bright side... Somebody needed advice on their own planning yesterday and asked me for help because I seem so on top of things! That was a confidence booster. :) However, right now all I am doing is procrastinating. That's when I get really good at writing in my blog. ;)

The other day I was doing some stats on my internship so far.
I have currently spent about $100 of my own money getting ready for it,
I have spent 7.5 hours (if you count time of people helping me) just cutting out lamination,
I have had about 24 hours worth of (unpaid) meetings so far this summer,
And I have put more hours into preparing for it than I can even count right now.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that they never understood why people go back to college for degree after degree, but then they decided that it's because college is so much easier than real-life jobs! I completely agree, haha. This is nuts.
Good thing I chose to do something that I love!

Status Update:
I had a birthday since my last post! I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22! ;)
I also started contributing to my friend's gratitude blog. I don't write in it as often as I should. (Common theme?) But it helps me remember during all the stress what is so great about my life. And there are lots of wonderful things! Check it out if you so desire. :) http://pointsofgratitude.blogspot.com/
I got to go swimming the other night! It was sort of freezing, and we had to be quiet so their neighbors wouldn't call the cops, but it was fun, and it made this summer finally actually FEEL like summer. (An entire month in.)
Also- I went to Provo and hung out with all my Provo friends for the weekend. It may have involved tennis, handstands, Zumba, and being completely wrapped up/stuck to someone else via Saran Wrap. I was sore for like 3 days! My life doesn't get that exciting at home. I miss college!

Anyway... I really do love this beautiful, crazy, BUSY but amazing life!!
❤, Meagan

Let Your Light So Shine! :)

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and it's kind of just been hanging out in my drafts ever since. But I wanted to share it because of how happy it made me at the time. I was going to post on the day I found out, just so my captivated blog audience could see both my agitatated (With two at's apparently) and excited extremes. But alas, I am awful at blogging. Even worse than I am at keeping a journal. Or writing friends back, which I really need to do. But, that's not the point... So, back to the good news, but first: story time.
      I have this friend... We were best friends in high school, but then I moved away and he is sort of really bad at keeping in touch. So one day when I'm back in my old home town, I decide to show up and surprise him. Very very bad idea. Nothing is worse than finding your best friend smoking pot with his hoodlum friends and finding out that since you have left he has become dependent on drugs and alcohol. I was devastated, and I couldn't stick around and talk to him, especially not like that. So I left. He texted for a few days, and I thought we were actually going to stay in touch this time. Especially after he told me how much he missed me and how he was going to change his life so he wouldn't be that person that I had found the night before. But that ended quickly and I didn't hear from him for months afterwards. Occasionally we would have a brief chat on facebook, but those were few and far between.
     Sorry for the depressing story after claiming to have good news. Here is the good news. :) So... A month or so ago when I was making the frequent drive between South Jordan and Provo, I decided to call him. I knew this was a long shot, since it had been so long since I'd heard from him (about 2 years!); but he actually picked up! He told me how happy he was to hear from me, because he was right in the middle of some chaotic things, and he was able to confide in me and get things figured out. We had a conversation that lasted about an hour and half, much longer than the drive took. I got to talk to my best friend again. He told me all about how he has quit doing those harmful things, and he has turned his life around. When I left that town he was an Atheist, and sometimes even gave me grief over my religious beliefs. But now? Now he goes to church, too! Not my church, but church nonetheless. He told me all about how he reads the Bible, and how happy that makes him, and how he just wants to share it with everyone. I was so happy to hear that. I knew that my worries and prayers in his behalf had been answered. He had turned his life around. :)
     Are you ready for the best part? The best part is: He said it was all because of me. He said that me showing up that night was just what he needed. He needed a wake up call, a metaphorical slap-in-the-face. He made the analogy of the little angel and devil. You know... The ones who sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ears? Yep, those. He told me that I am the little angel on his shoulder. When he wants to fall back into his old ways he thinks of me and what I would do.
     The next day I was pretty much floating on air. I just had this big silly grin and wanted to hug everyone I saw. I got some notes from friends after ward prayer that night, one saying I was the sunshine in his life (Cheesy, but aww!) and one saying that when she was around me she was always so much happier. These just added to my good mood, because I always try to stay upbeat and positive in the hopes it will rub off on those around me. I want to be that person that people like being around. And it seemed like when I needed that affirmation the most I got it in multiple doses. Now I know that my efforts have payed off. I do touch other people, and I do influence them, and in a good way!
      I guess the moral of this story is that you never know what impression you are making on others. So reach out! Make friends. Be there for people. And let your light shine! :) I love you all so much, thanks for letting me be a part of your life!
❤, Meagan